Losing a Sibling: Your Questions

One day at a time, with people around you. Let yourself grieve in your own way; there is no right or wrong way, the Dougy Center (opens in a new tab) says. Keep basic routines, accept help, and find others who understand: The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) welcomes adult siblings at any chapter, and COPE (opens in a new tab) runs free sibling groups in New York City. If you are struggling, call or text 988 any time. In an emergency, call 911. See losing a sibling.

Sources: dougy.org (opens in a new tab), compassionatefriends.org (opens in a new tab), copefoundation.org (opens in a new tab), 988lifeline.org (opens in a new tab)

Because you lose a friend, a rival, a witness to your whole life, and often the family as you knew it. A grief counselor and bereaved sibling writing for The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) says siblings often feel like the forgotten mourners: people ask how their parents are doing, and siblings put their own grief on hold. The Dougy Center (opens in a new tab) describes a sibling's death as a before-and-after experience. Your grief is real and deserves care. See grief when a brother or sister dies.

Sources: compassionatefriends.org (opens in a new tab), dougy.org (opens in a new tab)

There is no timetable, and grief changes rather than ends. The National Cancer Institute (opens in a new tab) says most bereaved people work through grief within the first 6 months to 2 years, and the AAP (opens in a new tab) notes that milestones such as graduations or becoming a parent can bring it back, even decades later. If intense grief keeps you from daily life a year or more after the loss, talk to a professional. See making room for grief.

Sources: cancer.gov (opens in a new tab), healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), psychiatry.org (opens in a new tab)

Yes, very common. The Dougy Center (opens in a new tab) notes that some grieving siblings feel survivor guilt, even wondering whether the family would be better off if they had died instead. Old arguments can replay in your mind too. The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) reminds siblings that no relationship is perfect and suggests recalling the times you were kind to each other. If guilt turns into thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 now. See guilt after a loss.

Sources: dougy.org (opens in a new tab), compassionatefriends.org (opens in a new tab), 988lifeline.org (opens in a new tab)

Whatever feels right to you in that moment. There is no correct answer. One bereaved sister, writing for The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab), describes her own loose rule: a short answer for strangers she was unlikely to see again, and the truth, that she had a brother who died, for people she was growing closer to. You might keep a sentence ready, such as I had two brothers; one died. Our guide talking about a sibling who died has more ideas.

Source: compassionatefriends.org (opens in a new tab)

Find ways to keep the bond alive. Researchers call this continuing bonds (opens in a new tab): staying connected to the person who died through memories, rituals and the ways they shaped you. Ideas include writing letters to them, cooking their favorite meal on their birthday, telling their stories, or supporting a cause they cared about. If there are children in the family, the Dougy Center (opens in a new tab) suggests letting them help decide how to honor their sibling. Try the and read ways to keep a sibling's memory alive.

Sources: pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (opens in a new tab), dougy.org (opens in a new tab)

Say you are sorry, use their sibling's name, and ask how they are doing. The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) notes that grieving siblings are often asked only about their parents, so asking about them matters. Listen more than you talk; the Dougy Center (opens in a new tab) says listening without judging is one of the most helpful things you can do. Avoid comparing losses or telling them how they should feel, advice the AAP (opens in a new tab) also gives for grieving children. Keep checking in, including on birthdays and anniversaries. See how to support someone who lost a sibling.

Sources: compassionatefriends.org (opens in a new tab), dougy.org (opens in a new tab), healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab)

Be with them, and let yourself be cared for too. A grief counselor writing for The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) says many siblings put their own grief on hold to look after grieving parents, which can leave them isolated, and encourages siblings to accept support for themselves. Share practical help, say your sibling's name together, and talk about how each of you is doing. Family members grieve differently, and that is normal. See parenting while grieving and where to find grief support.

Source: compassionatefriends.org (opens in a new tab)

Yes. The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) welcomes adult siblings at any chapter meeting, and some chapters run groups for teens. COPE (opens in a new tab) offers free clinician-led groups for adults who lost a brother or sister, in New York City, on Long Island and online. For South Asian families, SAMHIN (opens in a new tab) runs a free online grief group. The helps you search by ZIP code. See where to find grief support.

Sources: compassionatefriends.org (opens in a new tab), copefoundation.org (opens in a new tab), samhin.org (opens in a new tab)

Disenfranchised grief is grief that others don't fully recognize. Grief researcher Kenneth Doka defined it as grief experienced when a loss cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned or publicly mourned, as quoted in a 2017 article in Behavioral Sciences (opens in a new tab). Siblings can feel this way when attention goes mainly to parents, which is why The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) calls them the forgotten mourners. Naming it can help you ask for support. See Disenfranchised grief.

Sources: pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (opens in a new tab), compassionatefriends.org (opens in a new tab)

Plan ahead, and give yourself permission to feel whatever comes. The AAP (opens in a new tab) notes that birthdays, anniversaries and holidays are often especially hard. Decide in advance whether you want company or quiet, and choose one small ritual: a visit, a meal they loved, a letter. Let children in the family help choose how to mark the day, as the Dougy Center (opens in a new tab) suggests. See anniversaries, birthdays and holidays.

Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), dougy.org (opens in a new tab)

Yes. Anger is a common part of grief. The AAP (opens in a new tab) lists anger alongside disbelief, confusion, anxiety and longing as normal grief reactions, and the American Psychiatric Association (opens in a new tab) names anger and bitterness among the painful emotions grief can bring. Find safe outlets, such as exercise, writing or talking with someone you trust. If anger lasts and gets in the way of daily life, a grief counselor can help. See grief journaling.

Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), psychiatry.org (opens in a new tab)

Get help right away if you think about harming yourself: call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency. The 988 Lifeline (opens in a new tab) is free, confidential and open 24/7, and is also there if you just need someone to talk to. Otherwise, consider a grief counselor if intense longing, numbness or pain still keeps you from daily life a year or more after the loss. The American Psychiatric Association (opens in a new tab) says this may be prolonged grief disorder, and that effective treatments exist. See when grief doesn't ease.

Sources: 988lifeline.org (opens in a new tab), psychiatry.org (opens in a new tab)

Do one kind thing for yourself and reach out to one person. Text a friend who knew your sibling, write down a memory with the , or look up a sibling group with the . If today feels too heavy, you can call or text 988 at any hour; the 988 Lifeline (opens in a new tab) is free and confidential. Call 911 in an emergency. When you're ready, read losing a sibling.

Source: 988lifeline.org (opens in a new tab)