Children and Grief: Your Questions

Tell them soon, yourself if you can, in short and simple words. The Dougy Center (opens in a new tab) says children should hear it from someone they trust, and to avoid phrases like passed away or went to sleep, which confuse them. Use the word died. The AAP (opens in a new tab) suggests four ideas for young children: the person isn't coming back, they are not suffering, everything that lives dies someday, and it is not the child's fault. See how to talk to children about death.

Sources: dougy.org (opens in a new tab), healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab)

Understanding grows with age. The AAP (opens in a new tab) says children generally learn the core ideas of death between ages 5 and 7. The National Cancer Institute (opens in a new tab) describes the stages: children 3 to 6 often think death is temporary, like sleep, and may believe their thoughts caused it; children 6 to 9 are curious and ask specific questions; and by about age 12, death is understood as final and something that happens to everyone. Even babies sense the sadness around them. See talking to children about death, by age.

Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), cancer.gov (opens in a new tab)

Usually it helps to invite them and let them choose. The AAP (opens in a new tab) says children who don't attend services for a loved one may feel confused or resentful. Explain ahead of time what they will see and hear, make every part optional, and offer small roles such as choosing a photo or flowers. Ask a trusted adult who is not deeply grieving to stay with your child. The National Cancer Institute (opens in a new tab) also suggests including children in planning memorial services. See helping a child grieve.

Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), cancer.gov (opens in a new tab)

Often in short bursts, and through play and behavior more than words. The National Cancer Institute (opens in a new tab) says a grieving child may be sad one minute and playing the next, may ask the same questions again and again, and may act out fears through play. Young children can have trouble with sleep, eating or toileting. The Dougy Center (opens in a new tab) says many children express grief through art, writing, music or play, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. See helping a child grieve.

Sources: cancer.gov (opens in a new tab), dougy.org (opens in a new tab)

Keep them close, keep things predictable, and let them still be a child. The Dougy Center (opens in a new tab) suggests reassuring children that they are not responsible for replacing their sibling, celebrating their own individuality without comparisons, and letting them help decide how to honor the sibling who died. Some children feel survivor guilt, so say clearly that it is not their fault. Grieving siblings also need room to make mistakes and to know an adult is still caring for them. See helping a child grieve a brother or sister.

Source: dougy.org (opens in a new tab)

Yes, and it rarely means they don't care. The National Cancer Institute (opens in a new tab) says families often think a child doesn't understand the loss or got over it quickly, but usually neither is true; children's minds protect them from more than they can handle. The AAP (opens in a new tab) adds that children may hide their grief to avoid making their parents feel worse. Keep the door open: ask which part is hardest, and try again later. See helping a child grieve.

Sources: cancer.gov (opens in a new tab), healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab)

For a lifetime, in changing ways. The AAP (opens in a new tab) says children won't simply get over a death within a few months or even a year, and that milestones such as graduations, moving or becoming a parent can bring grief back, even decades later. The National Cancer Institute (opens in a new tab) says children revisit a loss as they grow, at times like starting camp or school. Expect waves, and keep talking. See anniversaries and holidays after a loss.

Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), cancer.gov (opens in a new tab)

Big, lasting changes. The AAP (opens in a new tab) says to talk with your child's doctor about persistent trouble with basic self-care, more risk-taking than usual, or other major shifts, such as a talkative child going quiet or a gentle child starting to hit. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (opens in a new tab) says some children develop traumatic grief, especially after a sudden death, which interferes with daily life. If you think a child may be at risk of suicide, call or text 988 or seek emergency care. See signs and support for grieving teens.

Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), nctsn.org (opens in a new tab), 988lifeline.org (opens in a new tab)

Teens understand death much like adults, but many hide their feelings. The AAP (opens in a new tab) says grieving teens may stay in their rooms, skip meals or avoid family and friends for a while, and some try drinking, drugs or other risky behavior. Its grief guide (opens in a new tab) adds that teens may feel guilt over past arguments. Be patient, model healthy coping, and make sure they know about 988. See when a teen is grieving.

Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), 988lifeline.org (opens in a new tab)

Yes. The AAP (opens in a new tab) says it helps to let teachers, counselors and coaches know, after asking older children's permission, so they can respond with compassion, offer learning support and plan for grief triggers in class. The Coalition to Support Grieving Students (opens in a new tab) offers free video modules and guides for school staff, which you can share with your child's teacher. See going back to school after a loss.

Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), grievingstudents.org (opens in a new tab)

Yes, and many are free. The AAP (opens in a new tab) says children's bereavement groups and camps, offered free across the country, help kids talk about grief without worrying about upsetting their family. Examples include Comfort Zone Camp (opens in a new tab), free weekend camps for ages 7 to 17 who have lost a parent or sibling, and Experience Camps (opens in a new tab), no-cost camps for grieving kids, mostly in grades 4 to 12. The NACG (opens in a new tab) directory lists more by location. See where to find grief support.

Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), comfortzonecamp.org (opens in a new tab), experiencecamps.org (opens in a new tab), nacg.org (opens in a new tab)

Gently, honestly and over time, with the focus on keeping everyone safe rather than on what happened. Use the same simple, truthful words the AAP (opens in a new tab) recommends for talking about death, and say clearly that the child is not to blame. Sudden deaths can lead to traumatic grief (NCTSN (opens in a new tab)), so watch for fear of water and ask a grief counselor for help if it grows. Swim lessons can come later, when your child is ready. See grief after a drowning and talking to kids about water safety.

Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), nctsn.org (opens in a new tab)

Ask a children's librarian, your pediatrician or a local grief center for books that match your child's age and your family's beliefs. The National Cancer Institute (opens in a new tab) notes that there are books and other resources for helping a grieving child. The Dougy Center (opens in a new tab) shares free tip sheets and activities for children, teens and the adults who care for them, and the AAP (opens in a new tab) points families to free guides from the Coalition to Support Grieving Children. Our is free to print. See grief support resources.

Sources: cancer.gov (opens in a new tab), dougy.org (opens in a new tab), healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab)

Sit with them for a few quiet minutes and ask, as the AAP (opens in a new tab) suggests, which part of this is the hardest for them. Keep one routine steady, such as bedtime. Let their teacher know what happened. Write down one question to ask their doctor. And take care of yourself too; accepting help from friends gives you more to give. If you or your child are in crisis, call or text 988, and call 911 in an emergency. See helping a child grieve.

Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), 988lifeline.org (opens in a new tab)