Parenting While Grieving: Caring for Your Other Children

When a child dies, parents must grieve the deepest loss there is while still caring for the children who are here. You don't have to choose between your grief and your children. Let yourself grieve openly, accept help, keep a few routines steady, and give your other children honest words and room to grieve in their own way.

The American Academy of Pediatrics puts it plainly: whatever the child's age or the cause of death, the grief that follows “can make daily life feel unbearably hard.” (opens in a new tab) If you are reading this in those days, be gentle with yourself. You are doing something very hard.

Two griefs in one home

You and your children lost the same person, but not the same relationship. You lost a son or daughter. They lost a brother or sister, and, for a while, they may feel they have lost you too. A pediatrician who lost her son wrote for the AAP that siblings grieve their sibling “while also experiencing what feels like the loss of their parents as they mourn.” (opens in a new tab)

The AAP lists feelings many bereaved parents have, including:

• crying, sadness and low moods, and restless sleep;
• sudden anger, and fights when grief makes you criticize or blame others;
• guilt that you are alive when your child is not;
• loneliness, even around people;
• clinging to your other children and fearing for their health and safety.

The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) also hears from parents who feel like “a bad parent” because it is so hard to focus on their surviving children's needs while hurting so much. If that is you, you are not failing. You are grieving.

What surviving children need

Honest words. Tell your children what happened in simple, true words, and let their questions guide you. Our guide to talking to children about death has words for each age.

Permission to grieve their way. The Dougy Center notes that children can grieve very differently from adults and from one another (opens in a new tab). One child may want photos out, another may keep them in a drawer.

To know their grief won't break you. The AAP warns that children may hide their feelings because they think sharing them will make parents feel worse (opens in a new tab). Tell them: “You can be sad with me. It helps me to know how you feel.”

Freedom to still be children. The Dougy Center says that after a child dies, parents often become more protective, and this can feel overwhelming to siblings. Grieving children need space to make mistakes and the freedoms other kids their age have. They need to know they are not responsible for the household (opens in a new tab) or for caring for their parents.

Not to replace anyone. Reassure them they don't have to fill their sibling's role or live up to their memory. Celebrate who they are.

Steady routines. Regular meals, bedtimes and small daily habits help children feel safe, the AAP says, even if you can't return to everything right away.

For a fuller guide, read helping a child grieve a brother or sister.

Letting others help

The AAP advises bereaved parents not to soldier on trying to keep the same schedule as before. Accept help, but set boundaries (opens in a new tab): let friends get groceries, handle chores or take your other children to and from school, and say so if you'd rather be alone.

A few ideas:

• Name a helper. Ask one friend to coordinate meals, rides and visitors, so you don't have to.
• Choose a “buddy” for your children. The AAP suggests asking an adult who is close to your child but not grieving as deeply, like a neighbor or babysitter, to stay with them at the funeral. That same person can offer outings and attention in the months after, when you have less to give.
• Let the school know. Teachers and counselors can watch for struggles and adjust work.
• Expect awkward moments. The AAP warns that friends and coworkers may say hurtful things without meaning to. It is not your job to make them feel better.

Accepting help also teaches your children something. The AAP notes it shows them that in hard times, the people around us can make a difference (opens in a new tab).

Grieving differently as partners

Partners often grieve in different ways and at different speeds. One may want to talk constantly; the other may go quiet or throw themselves into work. The Compassionate Friends notes that families often find each person grieves the loss differently (opens in a new tab) and struggle to find common ground. It also tells parents that the common claim that most couples divorce after a child dies is not supported by newer studies.

What can help:

• Assume love, not indifference. Different grief is still grief.
• Say what you need, in simple words: “I need to talk about her tonight,” or “I need a walk alone.”
• Share the hard tasks, like calls, paperwork and decisions, so one person isn't carrying it all.
• Delay big decisions if you can. The National Institute on Aging (opens in a new tab) suggests waiting on major changes, like moving, while you are grieving.
• Get support together or apart. A counselor or a parent support group can help.

If you are a single parent, or your co-parent lives elsewhere, ask a relative or friend to be your steady sounding board.

Take care of your own health

Your children need you to survive this. The AAP urges bereaved parents to see their own doctor, be honest about how they feel, and get help if they are losing sleep, feeling depressed or having other symptoms (opens in a new tab). It also notes that anxiety, depression and even suicidal thoughts can happen while mourning a child.

The American Psychiatric Association lists the death of a child among the losses with a higher risk of prolonged grief disorder (opens in a new tab). That is a reason to accept support early. Read when grief doesn't ease for the signs and the treatments that help.

The Dougy Center notes that how well a child does after a death is linked to how well the adults in their life are doing (opens in a new tab). Looking after yourself is part of looking after them.

Support for bereaved parents

• The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab): free chapter meetings for families after the death of a child at any age, from any cause, plus online chats and private groups.
• Bereaved Parents of the USA (opens in a new tab): volunteer-run chapters for parents, siblings and grandparents.
• COPE Foundation (opens in a new tab) (New York City and Long Island): clinician-led groups for bereaved parents, siblings, and teens and young adults.
• Our House NYC (opens in a new tab): a family program with parallel groups for kids, teens and caregivers.
• Comfort Zone Camp (opens in a new tab): free virtual support groups for parents, as well as for kids and young adults.
• Your pediatrician. The AAP asks pediatricians to support grieving families, including siblings, and to help them find counseling and grief groups.

More options, including faith-based and South Asian support, are in our grief support directory. If your child died by drowning, also see grief after a drowning.

What you can do today

• Ask one person to take one thing off your plate this week.
• Spend ten minutes alone with each of your children, doing something ordinary.
• Tell your children, “You can be sad with me, and you can ask me anything.”
• Choose a trusted adult who can give your children extra attention.
• Make an appointment with your own doctor.
• If you think about not wanting to live, call or text 988 now. In an emergency, call 911.