How to Support Someone Who Lost a Sibling

The best way to support someone who lost a sibling is to show up, say their brother's or sister's name, offer specific help, and keep checking in for months and years, not just the first week. You don't need perfect words. Being there matters more than anything you say.

This page is for friends, partners, in-laws, coworkers and relatives of someone whose brother or sister died. If you are the one grieving, our guide to losing a sibling is written for you.

Show up, even if you don't know what to say

Many people go quiet because they're afraid of saying the wrong thing. The Coalition to Support Grieving Students calls saying nothing “the least helpful choice of all,” (opens in a new tab) because it can send the message that you don't care or can't cope.

Grieving siblings are especially easy to miss. The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) notes that parents usually receive most of the support, while siblings are often asked, “How are your parents doing?” Bereaved Parents of the USA (opens in a new tab) adds that some people wrongly believe losing a sibling is less intense than other losses. So ask about them.

Ways to show up:

• Send a short message the day you hear: “I'm so sorry about your sister. I'm thinking of you.”
• Go to the funeral, janazah, memorial or visitation if you can.
• Sit with them. The Dougy Center's advice from young people who are grieving is simple: “show up, stick around, act normal, and listen.” (opens in a new tab)

Words that help and words that hurt

Kind people say hurtful things by accident. A few phrases come up again and again in advice from bereavement organizations.

Try saying:

• “I'm so sorry about your brother. I'm here.”
• “What was he like?” or “Tell me about her.”
• A short memory, if you knew them: “I'll never forget her laugh at your wedding.”
• “How are you in this moment?” The Dougy Center suggests this instead of a big “How are you?”, which can be hard to answer.
• “Do you want to vent, or would ideas help?”

Try to avoid:

• “At least …” The Coalition to Support Grieving Students warns that “at least” statements, including “At least you have another brother,” (opens in a new tab) tend to silence real grief.
• “I know how you feel.” You can't, until they tell you. Each person's grief is their own.
• Comparing losses. Young people in the Dougy Center tip sheet asked friends not to compare: “a grandparent is not a parent and a sibling is not an uncle.”
• “Aren't you over it yet?” or anything that puts a clock on grief.
• Asking how it happened. The same tip sheet asks friends to ask about the person who died, rather than the details of the death (opens in a new tab). This matters even more after a sudden death such as a drowning.

Then listen. Put your phone away, go light on questions and be okay with silence. You don't have to fix anything. Grief can't be fixed.

Say their name

Many people avoid mentioning the person who died because they worry it will hurt. The National Institute on Aging (opens in a new tab) notes that many grieving people find it helpful to talk directly about their loss, and that sharing memories and stories can help everyone who is grieving.

Saying the name of their brother or sister tells your friend that their sibling still matters, and that you're not afraid of their grief. Our guide on talking about a sibling who died explains why this matters so much to siblings.

Practical help that matters

“Let me know if you need anything” is kind, but it puts the work back on the grieving person. Offer something specific, and only offer what you can follow through on.

• Drop off groceries or a meal, and leave it at the door if they're not up for visitors.
• Take on a chore: laundry, the lawn, the dog walk, the school run.
• Help with calls, paperwork or thank-you notes, if they want that.
• Help them study or catch up at work, since grief makes it hard to concentrate.
• Invite them to something ordinary, and make it easy to say no: “No pressure, but we're getting pizza Friday. Want to come?”
• If they are a parent too, offer to take their children for an afternoon.

The American Academy of Pediatrics reminds bereaved families that friends may either go silent or smother them with help (opens in a new tab). Aim for steady and calm, not overwhelming. Ask before you visit, and respect a “no.”

Remember the dates

Birthdays, the death anniversary and holidays can be the hardest days. The Dougy Center suggests marking significant days (opens in a new tab) such as the birthday of the person who died, the anniversary of their death and family holidays.

• Put the birthday and anniversary in your calendar with a reminder.
• Send a message that day: “Thinking of you and Sam today.”
• During religious holidays, include them gently. The Family & Youth Institute's Eid advice applies to many traditions: ask before visiting, respect a quiet celebration (opens in a new tab), and keep the door open for company.

Our guide to anniversaries and holidays has more ideas.

Stay for the long haul

In the first days after a death, people rush in. The Family & Youth Institute notes that soon afterward, people forget to check in (opens in a new tab), and the grieving person can go from being surrounded to suddenly alone.

Grief doesn't follow a schedule. Writing about grieving students, the Coalition to Support Grieving Students says the second year after a death is often even harder than the first (opens in a new tab), because the loss feels more permanent. Keep showing up on ordinary days.

When they go back to school or work, you can help there too. See going back to school or work after a loss.

When to worry

Grief is painful, but it isn't an illness. Some signs mean your friend needs more help, soon. The National Institute of Mental Health lists warning signs of suicide (opens in a new tab), including talking about wanting to die or being a burden, feeling hopeless or trapped, withdrawing from friends, giving away important things, and using more alcohol or drugs.

The 988 Lifeline says warning signs matter most when they are new, have increased, or seem related to a painful event or loss (opens in a new tab), and that talking about suicide and following up with loved ones help prevent it. So ask them directly how they're doing, and stay with them. Call or text 988 together. If they are in immediate danger, call 911.

What you can do today

• Send a short message that uses their sibling's name.
• Offer one specific kind of help, with a day and time.
• Put the sibling's birthday and death anniversary in your calendar.
• Set a reminder to check in again in a month, and again in six months.
• Save 988 in your phone, in case you or your friend ever need it.