Making Room for Grief: Living Alongside Loss

Living with grief means making room for it, instead of trying to fix it or finish it. Give it time and space in your days, expect it to come and go in waves, take care of your body, and let other people help carry it. Over time, for most people, the sharpest pain eases, even though you never stop missing the person.

There is no right or wrong way to mourn. The National Institute on Aging (opens in a new tab) says numbness, shock, fear, guilt and even anger at the person for leaving are all normal, and that there are no rules about how you should feel.

Grief isn't a problem to fix

SAMHSA describes grief as “the normal response of sorrow, heartache, and confusion” (opens in a new tab) that comes from losing someone important to you. It is not a sign that something is wrong with you. Friends may want you to “get back to normal,” and you may want that too. But grief usually doesn't respond to deadlines.

The Dougy Center's teen tip sheet puts it simply: “Make room for whatever feelings are coming up. If you try to push them away, they will probably just push back harder.” (opens in a new tab) That advice is for teenagers, but it is true at any age.

Forget the five-stage checklist

You may have heard that grief moves through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The American Academy of Pediatrics explains that this idea came from a 1960s book about people facing death, and that “we have learned that grief doesn't happen that way.” (opens in a new tab) Instead, it describes a “random, zig-zag pattern” with some days, weeks or months feeling easier and others filled with sadness or numbness.

The Dougy Center says the families it works with have taught it that grieving “may include one, all, or none of these experiences and they do not occur in any particular order.” (opens in a new tab)

If you aren't moving through the stages, you're not doing it wrong.

Giving grief time and space

Grief researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut describe healthy grieving as moving back and forth (opens in a new tab) between two kinds of work: facing the loss itself, and dealing with the rest of life that the loss has changed. Their model also says people need to take breaks from both. Respite is part of coping, not a failure to cope.

In daily life, that can look like:

• Grief time. Set aside a little time, some days, to look at photos, cry, pray, visit the grave or write. Knowing it has a place can make it easier to get through a workday.
• Life time. Doing the dishes, going to class, watching a silly show. These are not betrayals.
• Breaks. The Dougy Center reminds teens that “taking a break from grief doesn't mean you love or miss the person any less.” (opens in a new tab)

Writing can help give grief a place to go. Our guide to grief journaling has prompts, and the journal tool below keeps your words on your own device.

Grief comes in waves

Many people describe grief as waves: long calm stretches, then a wave that knocks you over. A song, a smell, a name on a list or an ordinary Tuesday can set it off. Educators call these sudden reminders grief triggers (opens in a new tab), and they often come around holidays and anniversaries.

When a wave hits, the Dougy Center's list of things to try when “the grief tide rolls in” includes:

1. Breathe. Notice your breath, then slow it down, breathing into your belly and breathing out a little longer than you breathe in.
2. Move your body. A walk, a stretch, a few push-ups, a dance.
3. Call or text a friend who knows how to listen.
4. Write it out. No spelling or grammar rules.
5. Ask for help. People often want to help and are waiting to be asked.

The American Psychiatric Association notes that feelings of grief may increase at different points in time (opens in a new tab) and usually do not need treatment. A hard wave a year later is normal. For dates you can see coming, read anniversaries, birthdays and holidays.

Body, sleep and routine

Grief lives in the body too. The National Institute on Aging (opens in a new tab) lists trouble sleeping, little interest in food, problems concentrating and a hard time making decisions as common in grief. It suggests:

• Look after the basics. Try to move your body regularly, eat healthy food and get enough sleep.
• Go easy on alcohol and smoking, which can put your health at risk.
• Make mealtime plans. Eat with a friend, or turn on the radio if a quiet table feels too lonely.
• See your doctor. Keep up your checkups and tell your doctor how you're feeling.
• Delay big decisions if you can, like moving or leaving a job, until you are thinking more clearly.

A few small routines can steady a day: the same morning walk, tea at the same time, a short prayer or a call with a sibling every Sunday.

Letting others in

Grief can make you want to hide. Try to let at least one person in.

The National Institute on Aging notes that people often avoid mentioning the person who died, worried it will hurt, but many people find it helpful to talk directly about their loss (opens in a new tab). Tell friends and family when you want to talk about your loved one, and accept offers of help and company when you can. Many people also find comfort in their faith community.

You might find people who truly understand in a support group. Our grief support directory lists free groups, including groups for siblings and parents.

Keeping them close

Moving forward doesn't mean letting go of the person. SAMHSA says healing “does not mean forgetting about loved ones who have died,” (opens in a new tab) and that you may still feel deeply connected while also imagining a life without them. Researchers call this lasting connection continuing bonds (opens in a new tab).

Small ways to keep someone close:

• cook their favorite meal on their birthday;
• keep a photo where you'll see it every day;
• frame a handwritten note or recipe, one of the remembering ideas (opens in a new tab) the AAP shares;
• say their name and tell their stories.

If you lost a brother or sister, our siblings hub has more in ways to keep a sibling's memory alive.

When to get more help

Most grief, however painful, does not need treatment. But if intense grief stays for a long time and gets in the way of work, school, relationships or caring for yourself, please talk with a doctor or a grief counselor. Our guide to when grief doesn't ease explains what to watch for and what help works.

If you ever feel hopeless or think about ending your life, call or text 988, any time. In an emergency, call 911.

What you can do today

• Choose a small “grief time” today: ten minutes with a photo, a prayer or a page in your journal.
• Do one thing for your body: a glass of water, a short walk, a real meal or an early night.
• Tell one person, “I'd like to talk about them sometimes.”
• Pick one tool for the next wave: a breathing pattern, a friend to text or a walk.
• Write down one memory you never want to lose.