Sibling Relationships: Your Questions
Sibling fights are normal, and parents can help brothers and sisters grow close. Research-based answers on rivalry, new babies, favoritism and birth order.
Is sibling rivalry normal?
Yes. The AAP (opens in a new tab) says that no matter how well parents model good behavior, siblings are going to fight, and that it is natural for sibling relationships to change over time, sometimes by the hour. What they argue about changes with age, from a favorite toy to privacy in the teen years. Learning to disagree respectfully is part of growing up, though children need help along the way. See sibling rivalry and fighting.
How do I stop my kids from fighting?
You can't stop every fight, but you can lower the heat. The AAP (opens in a new tab) suggests clear family ground rules, such as no hitting, asking before entering someone's room and kind words only. Give children a chance to solve simple disagreements themselves, even if they need time apart first. If they can't, or if someone's safety is at risk, step in as a calm, neutral party and listen to both sides before deciding. Younger children need more help. See what parents can do about sibling fights.
How can I help my children be close?
Give them shared, low-pressure time and give each child time alone with you. The AAP (opens in a new tab) suggests daily screen-free family meals, teamwork games or games without keeping score, volunteering or home projects together, and taking turns doing what each child enjoys. One-on-one time with each child matters too. In a randomized trial, a sibling program called Siblings Are Special improved sibling relationships and children's self-control (Feinberg et al., 2013 (opens in a new tab)). Try the and read how to raise siblings who stay close.
Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (opens in a new tab)
How do I prepare my child for a new baby?
Talk about the baby early and honestly, and keep your older child's world steady. The AAP (opens in a new tab) suggests reading books about new babies, being honest that the baby will cry and take a lot of your time, involving your child in getting ready, and finishing big changes such as toilet training before the birth or putting them off until after. Expect some regression, and plan special time alone with your older child every day. See preparing your child for a new sibling.
Why are sibling relationships important?
Siblings shape childhood, and the bond often lasts a lifetime. In 2010, 82% of U.S. children lived with at least one sibling, more than lived with a father figure, according to a research review in the Journal of Marriage and Family (opens in a new tab). Siblings act as companions, confidants, rivals and models, and close sibling bonds can protect children when their parents' marriage is in conflict. The AAP (opens in a new tab) calls siblings each other's first peers. See raising close siblings.
Sources: pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (opens in a new tab), healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab)
Does birth order affect personality?
Much less than people think. A large study of about 20,000 people in the United States, Britain and Germany found no birth-order effects on extraversion, emotional stability, agreeableness, conscientiousness or imagination (Rohrer, Egloff and Schmukle, PNAS 2015 (opens in a new tab)). The only difference was a very small decline in self-reported intellect from older to younger siblings. So it is more helpful to see each child as an individual than to expect them to act like a typical oldest or youngest. See raising close siblings.
What is parentification?
Parentification happens when a child is pushed into parent-like or adult roles and responsibilities that are too much for their age, such as caring for siblings or a parent, or being the family's emotional support. A 2023 review of 95 studies (opens in a new tab) found it can bring some positive outcomes, but common harms include emotional and behavior problems and poorer physical health, and support from others makes a difference. The AAP (opens in a new tab) warns that frequent babysitting can breed resentment. See older siblings as caregivers.
Sources: pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (opens in a new tab), healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab)
How does parental favoritism affect siblings?
Children notice it from a very young age. Research summarized in the Journal of Marriage and Family (opens in a new tab) links unequal treatment, in privileges, discipline, conflict or affection, to less positive sibling relationships and poorer adjustment, with the less-favored child usually doing worse. The effects are softer when children understand the reasons for different treatment and see it as fair. Explain your choices, avoid comparisons, and make time for each child. See parental favoritism and siblings.
How do I help step-siblings get along?
Go slowly and protect each child's space. The AAP (opens in a new tab) says children brought together with little preparation are unlikely to bond right away, and that an early honeymoon period often gives way to conflict. Don't expect step-siblings to spend all their time together, give each child time alone with their own parent, and respect privacy and possessions. More than 10% of U.S. households with children include step- or adoptive siblings (research review (opens in a new tab)). See Blended family and raising close siblings.
Sources: healthychildren.org (opens in a new tab), pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (opens in a new tab)
How do siblings of children with disabilities feel?
Feelings are often mixed, and many siblings do well. A research review (opens in a new tab) found that sibling pairs that include a child with a disability or chronic illness tend to show more warmth than other pairs, while the typical siblings have a slightly higher risk of adjustment problems; growing up together can also bring benefits. Programs for these siblings have raised their self-esteem, support and understanding. Give them their own time and room for honest feelings. See supporting siblings of children with disabilities.
Are there programs that help siblings get along?
Yes, and some have been tested. In a randomized trial, the after-school program Siblings Are Special improved sibling relationships, parenting of siblings, and children's self-control, social skills and school performance (Feinberg et al., 2013 (opens in a new tab)). Another program for children 4 to 8, More Fun with Sisters and Brothers, also helped mothers manage their own emotions during sibling conflict (Ravindran et al., 2015 (opens in a new tab)). Ask your school or pediatrician what is offered locally. See activities that build sibling bonds.
Sources: pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (opens in a new tab), pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (opens in a new tab)
Do sibling relationships matter in adulthood?
Yes. In a 30-year Harvard study of 229 men, poorer sibling relationships before age 20 predicted major depression by age 50 (Waldinger, Vaillant and Orav, 2007 (opens in a new tab)). As a grief counselor writing for The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) puts it, siblings are the people who have known us and our family the longest. It is never too late to reach out, say thank you or repair a rift. Our guides say it while you can and how to repair a sibling relationship offer a place to start.
Sources: pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov (opens in a new tab), compassionatefriends.org (opens in a new tab)
What can I do today for my siblings or my children?
Make one small, real connection. If you are a parent, plan a family meal without screens or ten minutes alone with each child, as the AAP (opens in a new tab) suggests, and pick a teamwork game for tonight. If you are an adult sibling, send your brother or sister a message about a memory you share, or show up for something small in their week. See showing up for your siblings and say it while you can.
Read the full guides: Siblings: Bonds That Last