Talking About a Sibling Who Died: Saying Their Name

You can keep talking about a brother or sister who died for the rest of your life, and that is healthy. Say their name, tell their stories, and choose your own answer to "How many siblings do you have?" There is no wrong one.

This page is about conversations: with strangers, new friends, partners, children and family. For grief itself, see losing a sibling.

Why saying their name matters

For a long time, people were told that healthy grief meant letting go. That has changed. A review of sibling grief research explains that it is now generally accepted that the bereaved remain connected to the person who died and can be emotionally sustained through continuing bonds (opens in a new tab) (Packman and colleagues, 2006). The authors describe how this applies to brothers and sisters, and say parents can encourage activities that keep those bonds.

The Compassionate Friends, a peer support organization for bereaved families, puts it simply: the connection to a sibling who died does not have to be given up to move forward in life (opens in a new tab).

You are not alone in this, either:

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Researchers studying two U.S. data sets found that the death of a sibling in childhood affected between 5% and 8% of children who had siblings (opens in a new tab) (Fletcher and colleagues, 2013). It is more common than most people realize, which is one more reason to talk about it.

"How many siblings do you have?"

This small question can knock the wind out of you, at a job interview, a new school or a first date. Every answer is honest. Some options:

• The full answer: "I have three. My brother died two years ago."
• The living answer: "Two sisters." (You can add more later, or not.)
• The both answer: "Two living sisters and a brother who died."
• The gentle pivot: "Three. One of them died, but I love talking about him. He was the funny one."

Writer Lynn Shattuck, whose younger brother died, described her own rule on The Compassionate Friends' blog. With people she wouldn't see again, she would say no and try to pivot the conversation (opens in a new tab). With people she might get closer to, she told the truth: I had a younger brother, and he died (opens in a new tab).

You can change your answer depending on the day. Leaving them out once does not erase them.

Telling new friends, partners and children

New friends and partners. You don't owe anyone the full story at once. Many people start with the name and one happy detail, then add more as trust grows: "My sister ______ would have loved this place. She died when I was ______." If they ask questions, answer what you want to and skip the rest.

Your own children, nieces and nephews. Children can know an aunt or uncle they never met. Use their name, show photos, and tell everyday stories, not only the sad one. Researchers at Emory University found that children who knew more about their family's history had higher self-esteem, better family functioning and lower anxiety (opens in a new tab). That's a link, not proof, but family stories are worth telling.

When explaining the death to young children, the Dougy Center advises short, simple words (opens in a new tab), and avoiding euphemisms such as "passed away", "went to sleep", "crossed over" or "lost", which can confuse them. Expect young children to ask the same questions again and again. The Dougy Center's sibling tip sheet says repeating the same simple, honest explanation (opens in a new tab) helps them understand.

Our printable Supporting a Grieving Sibling and the guide to helping a child grieve a sibling go further.

Sharing stories at family gatherings

Holidays, weddings and graduations can feel like there's a hole in the room. Many families find it easier when someone names it.

• Say their name early. A short toast or prayer at the start of the meal: "We miss ______ today."
• Set out a photo or cook their favorite dish.
• Ask for stories. "Tell me something about ______ I might not know."
• Let kids help decide. The Dougy Center suggests letting children and teens help decide how to honor their sibling (opens in a new tab), including what to do on the anniversary or birthday.
• Accept different styles. One person wants photos everywhere; another can't look yet. The Dougy Center notes that even in the same family, one child might want pictures out while another keeps them in a drawer (opens in a new tab), and both are okay.

Expect grief to return at milestones. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) notes that children won't simply "get over" a loved one's death within a few months or even a year (opens in a new tab), and that events like graduation can bring it back. Adults find the same.

Check on the surviving brothers and sisters, too. The AAP notes that children may hide their own grief (opens in a new tab) because they think sharing it will make their parents feel worse. Ask them directly how they are.

When others go quiet

After the first weeks, many people stop mentioning your sibling. The Compassionate Friends notes that even good friends can quickly become uncomfortable with the subject (opens in a new tab). It usually comes from fear of upsetting you, not from forgetting.

You can give people permission:

• "It actually helps me when you say his name."
• "You don't have to fix anything. Can I just tell you about her?"
• "Today's her birthday. Would you light a candle with me?"

The Compassionate Friends also says that many siblings find help by talking with others about their brother or sister (opens in a new tab), and that finding another bereaved sibling can be a path toward healing. A sibling support group gives you a room full of people who won't flinch. See where to find grief support.

If you're supporting someone else, see how to support a grieving sibling.

A place to write it down

Some things are easier to write than to say. The memory journal below gives gentle prompts for writing to or about your sibling. Your words stay on your device. For more ways to remember, see ways to keep a sibling's memory alive.

If talking about your sibling ever brings up thoughts of not wanting to be here, please reach out right away. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (opens in a new tab) is free, confidential and open 24/7: call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.

What you can do today

• Decide on one answer to "How many siblings do you have?" that feels okay to you, and practice it once out loud.
• Tell one person, "It helps me when you say their name."
• Share one story about your sibling with a child in your family.
• Put one photo of your sibling somewhere you'll see it.
• Write one memory in the Memory journal or on paper.
• Look up one sibling grief group near you or online.