Ways to Keep a Sibling's Memory Alive

The best ways to honor a sibling who died are the ones that fit who they were and who you are: a ritual you repeat, something you make, time given in their name, and stories passed to the next generation. Remembering them is part of grieving well, not a sign that you're stuck.

Below are ideas to choose from. Take one. Leave the rest.

Remembering is part of grieving

Grief researchers no longer tell people to "let go". A review of research on sibling grief says it is now generally accepted that the bereaved remain connected to the person who died and can be emotionally sustained through continuing bonds (opens in a new tab) (Packman and colleagues, 2006). The Compassionate Friends notes that bereaved siblings often remember them at special times such as birthdays, holidays, and death dates (opens in a new tab), and that this connection does not have to be given up to move forward.

Rituals help, too. In three experiments, Harvard researchers found that people who reflected on past rituals or completed new ones after a loss reported lower levels of grief (opens in a new tab). The benefit came from a renewed sense of control, and it showed up even for people who didn't believe rituals would work (Norton and Gino, 2014).

It's also okay to take breaks from remembering. One well-known model of grief describes healthy coping as moving back and forth between facing the loss and getting on with life, and calls taking respite part of adaptive coping (opens in a new tab) (Stroebe and Schut, 1999).

Everyday rituals

Small, repeated acts keep a sibling present in ordinary life.

• Say their name at meals, especially holidays.
• Keep a photo where you'll see it every day.
• Play their favorite song on the drive to work or school.
• Wear something of theirs: a watch, a scarf, a hoodie.
• Cook their favorite dish on their birthday.
• Use a phrase or joke they always used.
• Pray for them, or light a candle, in the way your family's faith or tradition does.
• Visit a place they loved.

Projects and keepsakes

Making something gives grief a place to go.

• A memory box of letters, tickets, photos and small objects.
• A memory journal. Write to them, or about them. Our Memory journal tool gives prompts and keeps your words on your device. The Memory Journal Prompts printable works on paper.
• A photo book or video gathered from everyone's phones. Ask friends to send their pictures too.
• Their voice. Save voicemails and videos in more than one place.
• A quilt or pillow made from their clothes.
• A recipe card of their favorite meal, shared with the whole family.
• A story collection. Ask friends, teachers and cousins to write down one memory each.
• Something living. A tree, a garden bed or a plant that blooms around their birthday.

Service in their name

Some people find meaning in doing good in their sibling's name.

• Volunteer for a cause they cared about, on their birthday or every month.
• Start or join an annual event: a walk, a game, a cleanup, a community meal.
• Give to something they loved. A school, a team, a library, a place of worship.
• Pass on a skill they had. Coach the sport they played, teach the craft they loved.
• Share what you learned. If the loss taught you something that could help others, find a way to share it.

The Amin Foundation began this way. After losing Basir and Nasrin Amin and their brother-in-law Afrid Haider in 2022, the family said it would work to raise awareness around water safety education, help with swimming lessons for communities that lack them, support emergency responders, and "lend emotional support to families dealing with drowning-related loss." You don't need a foundation. One small act, repeated, is enough.

Anniversaries and birthdays

Expect these days, and the days leading up to them, to be hard. Plan them instead of waiting for them.

• Decide together. Ask each family member what they'd like the day to hold.
• Don't be alone unless you choose to be. Line up company, even just a call.
• Mix remembering and living. A visit to the grave in the morning; their favorite movie at night.
• Expect grief at milestones like graduations and weddings. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) notes that grief can come back at milestones, even decades later (opens in a new tab).

Our guide to grief on anniversaries and holidays has more.

Including children and the wider family

Children often want to help remember. Let them.

• Give them a say. The Dougy Center suggests letting children and teens participate in decisions about ways to honor the sibling who died (opens in a new tab), including what to do on the anniversary or birthday, whether and when to visit a grave, and how to keep their memory alive.
• Let them grieve their own way. The Dougy Center says there is no right or wrong way to grieve (opens in a new tab), and many children express it through art, writing, music or play.
• Don't ask them to fill the gap. The Dougy Center advises reassuring children that they are not responsible for replacing their sibling (opens in a new tab) in the family.
• Tell the next generation. Nieces and nephews can grow up knowing an aunt or uncle through stories and photos.
• Include cousins, friends and in-laws. They loved your sibling too.

For conversations with children and others, see talking about a sibling who died.

When remembering hurts too much

For some people, memories bring only pain for a long time. That can happen after sudden or traumatic deaths. If remembering feels unbearable months later, talk to a grief counselor or your doctor. See losing a sibling and grief journaling for gentle next steps. If you ever feel unsafe, call or text 988, or call 911 in an emergency.

What you can do today

• Choose one small ritual from the list and do it this week.
• Back up your sibling's voicemails, videos and photos to a second place.
• Ask one friend or cousin to write down a memory of your sibling.
• Write one entry in the Memory journal or on a printed prompt sheet.
• Put their birthday and anniversary in your calendar with a reminder a week ahead.
• Ask your children, or siblings, how they would like to remember them.