Guilt After a Loss: When You Keep Asking “What If”

Guilt is one of the most common feelings in grief. After a death, many people replay the past and ask “what if?” or “why didn't I?” Those thoughts are a sign of love, not proof that you did something wrong. Hindsight shows you things you couldn't have known then, and guilt usually eases when you say it out loud to someone you trust.

Guilt is a common part of grief

The National Institute on Aging (opens in a new tab) lists guilt among the normal feelings of grief, including guilt for being the one who is still alive. After the death of a child, The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) says, “Guilt becomes a powerful companion,” even though parents rationally know they were not to blame and would have saved their child if given the chance.

After a sudden death, guilt can be even stronger. The American Academy of Pediatrics says that after a sudden death, such as a drowning, guilt and blame may mix with grief (opens in a new tab). There was no time to prepare, to say goodbye or to make things right.

Guilt in grief can take many shapes:

• “What if” guilt: “If I had called her that morning …” or “If I had been there …”
• Survivor guilt: feeling you should have died instead. The Dougy Center says some grieving siblings feel the family would have been better off (opens in a new tab) if they had died instead of their brother or sister.
• Relationship regret: an argument that never got resolved, words left unsaid, visits you didn't make.
• Guilt about living: feeling bad for laughing, enjoying a meal or having a good day.

Hindsight isn't the same as knowing

Psychologists have a name for the feeling that you “should have known”: hindsight bias. It happens when people believe an event was more predictable after it became known (opens in a new tab) than it really was before, according to a 2012 review by Neal Roese and Kathleen Vohs. Looking back, our minds tend to recall the clues that fit what happened, while everything else that was going on fades into the background.

That means you are judging your past self with information your past self didn't have. On the day itself, you were living an ordinary day, making the kind of choices people make every day.

The same review found that considering other explanations can reduce hindsight bias. When a “what if” thought comes, try asking:

• What did I actually know at that moment?
• What else was happening that day?
• What would I say to a friend who told me this story?

Regret and self-blame aren't the same

Researchers who followed 60 bereaved spouses for two years looked at two kinds of guilt separately (Stroebe and colleagues, 2014 (opens in a new tab)). Regret, wishing things had gone differently, was not linked to how grief or depression changed over time. Self-blame, holding yourself responsible for the death, was linked to harder grief.

So regret may simply be part of loving someone. Harsh self-blame is the part most worth bringing to a counselor. A 2014 review of 43 studies (opens in a new tab) also found that guilt seemed to be lower the longer people had been bereaved, so for many people it softens with time.

Talking about it

Guilt grows in silence. Saying it out loud often shrinks it.

• Tell someone you trust. The Dougy Center's advice to teens applies to adults too: if you feel guilty or worried that you had something to do with a death, it can help to talk with a trusted adult who knows the situation and can answer questions (opens in a new tab), someone who can say more than “don't feel that way.” That might be a doctor, a faith leader or a counselor.
• Sit with it, briefly. The same tip sheet notes that sometimes just sitting with guilt and regret, without rushing to push it away, can lessen its intensity.
• Write to them. A letter to the person who died, saying what you wish you had said or done, can help. Our guide to grief journaling has prompts for this.
• Let regret teach you. The Dougy Center tells the story of a teen whose mother died on a morning he was too rushed to say “I love you.” Now he tries to tell the people he loves that he loves them whenever he says goodbye. Regret can turn into a way of living.
• Join a group. Hearing others say the same “what ifs” can be a relief. Our grief support directory lists groups.

Guilt in children and teens

Children often believe their thoughts, feelings or actions cause big events. The Coalition to Support Grieving Students explains that a child may believe a conflict, a moment of anger or a negative thought (opens in a new tab) brought about someone's death, and that this is common even for adolescents. Its example from a counselor: “If I had kept my mom on the phone a little longer that day …”

The AAP suggests addressing guilt directly, for both your child and yourself. You could say: “I know it wasn't your fault … but a lot of kids still think they are to blame after someone they love dies. Have you ever felt that way?” (opens in a new tab) The AAP notes that an open conversation like this can also remind you to go easy on yourself.

See helping a child grieve a sibling and when a teen is grieving for more.

When guilt becomes overwhelming

Get help soon if guilt:

• fills most of your days, months after the death;
• keeps you from sleeping, eating, working or caring for others;
• turns into shame or a belief that you deserve to suffer;
• leads you to drink or use drugs to cope.

The National Institute of Mental Health lists talking about “great guilt or shame” (opens in a new tab) as one of the warning signs of suicide, along with feeling hopeless, trapped or like a burden. If that is you, please call or text 988 now. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.

A grief counselor can help you work through self-blame. Read when grief doesn't ease for what that help looks like. If someone you love drowned, our guide to grief after a drowning talks about the questions that often follow a sudden loss.

What you can do today

• Write down the “what if” that hurts most. Next to it, write what you actually knew at the time.
• Say your guilt out loud to one person you trust.
• Write a few lines to the person who died, saying what you wish you could tell them.
• Do one kind thing for yourself, the way you would for a grieving friend.
• If guilt makes you think about hurting yourself, call or text 988 right now.