Parental Favoritism: How It Affects Siblings

Parental favoritism, when one child is consistently treated better than another, can affect children for decades. But treating children differently isn't always unfair. What research links to harm is treatment children see as unfair, and differences that are large and unexplained. Parents can change that by explaining their reasons, avoiding comparisons, and giving each child their own warmth and time.

This page is written for parents and for grown siblings looking back. It isn't about blame. Most parents who play favorites don't mean to.

Different isn't always unfair

Children need different things at different ages. A teenager gets more freedom than a 6-year-old. A child who is sick, struggling or grieving needs more attention for a while. That's good parenting, not favoritism.

What matters is how it looks to the child. In a study of 74 families with teenage siblings, differential treatment was linked to more negative parent-child relationships only when teens perceived it as unfair (opens in a new tab) (Kowal, Krull and Kramer, 2004). Treatment the teens judged fair wasn't linked to problems. The authors encouraged families to talk about why treatment differs.

How perceived favoritism affects kids

When differences feel unfair, children notice, and it can show up in their emotions and behavior.

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That meta-analysis found that both being the less-favored child and having bigger differences in parenting between siblings were linked to more internalizing and externalizing behavior (opens in a new tab), meaning more anxiety and sadness as well as more acting out. Some effects were stronger when children reported the favoritism themselves, and when siblings were closer in age.

An earlier meta-analysis of 34 studies found that less differential treatment, along with more sibling warmth and less conflict, was linked to fewer emotional and behavior problems (opens in a new tab) (Buist and colleagues, 2013).

Favoritism can also strain the sibling relationship itself. University of New Hampshire researchers list parental favoritism as one kind of power difference between siblings (opens in a new tab) that can make sibling conflict more harmful. If fighting has become one-sided, see sibling rivalry and fighting.

Being the favorite isn't easy either

The "golden child" can carry weight too: higher expectations, guilt, and resentment from siblings.

Researchers at Purdue University studied adult children and their aging mothers. Daughters who saw themselves as the child closest to their mother reported more depressive symptoms, and favored daughters were more likely than favored sons to say they were emotional caregivers to their mothers (opens in a new tab) (Suitor and colleagues, 2020). A later study found this was especially strong among daughters of widowed mothers (opens in a new tab) (Suitor and colleagues, 2022).

In other words, favoritism doesn't only hurt the child left out. It can also tie the favored child to a role they didn't choose.

What parents can do

You can't love your children in exactly the same way, and you don't need to. You can make sure each child feels valued and treated fairly.

• Explain differences out loud. "Your sister gets extra help with reading right now because it's hard for her. When you need help with something, you'll get it too."
• Avoid comparisons, even positive ones. University of New Hampshire researchers advise parents to resist comparing or labeling children (opens in a new tab), and to value each child for who they are.
• Drop the labels. "The smart one" and "the easy one" stick, and siblings measure themselves against them.
• Give each child individual time. The American Academy of Pediatrics says one-on-one time with each child is important too (opens in a new tab).
• Take turns choosing. The AAP also warns against always catering to the younger or less mature child.
• Ask your kids. "Does anything in our family feel unfair to you?" Then listen without defending.
• Notice patterns. Who do you praise most? Who gets in trouble most? Who do you confide in? If it's always the same child, adjust.

More habits for a close family are in how to raise siblings who stay close.

Adult siblings and old patterns

Favoritism doesn't end at 18. In a study of 608 adults with an average age of about 65, parental favoritism was linked to more symptoms of depression, anxiety, hostility and loneliness (opens in a new tab) (Stocker and colleagues, 2020). NPR, reporting on sibling research, noted that if parents had favorites, that can make the relationship harder (opens in a new tab) between grown siblings.

Old patterns often resurface when parents age and need care, or around wills and family decisions. Some ideas:

• Separate your parents' choices from your siblings. Your brother didn't pick being the favorite, and your sister didn't pick being left out.
• Compare notes kindly. Ask a sibling, "What was it like for you growing up?" You may find you each felt overlooked in different ways.
• Share caregiving openly so old roles don't decide who does everything. See siblings and aging parents.
• Raise it with a parent only if it's safe and useful. Some parents can hear it; some can't. You don't need their agreement to heal.
• Get support. A counselor can help you sort out old hurt.

If favoritism has broken your relationship with a sibling, see how to repair a relationship with a sibling.

What you can do today

• Parents: think of one recent decision that treated your kids differently, and explain the reason to both of them.
• Parents: catch yourself before one comparison today, even a compliment.
• Parents: give each child ten minutes of one-on-one time this week.
• Adult siblings: ask a brother or sister how they remember being treated growing up.
• Anyone: write down one label you were given as a child, and one thing about you it left out.