How to Raise Siblings Who Stay Close

Siblings who stay close as adults are mostly raised that way. Research points to a few habits that matter more than how often children fight: fun they share, fairness they can see, and making up after a fight, taught on purpose.

None of this needs a perfect family. It needs small, repeated choices over years. This guide gives you those choices, with ideas for every age.

Why the sibling bond is worth the effort

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Brothers and sisters are often the longest relationship in a person's life. Researchers at Penn State, Arizona State and Purdue describe siblings as companions, confidants, combatants and the people we compare ourselves with (opens in a new tab), all at once.

That bond can protect children. The same review found that close sibling relationships can shield children from adjustment problems when their parents' marriage is in conflict (opens in a new tab). And the effects last:

• In a Harvard study that followed 229 men for 30 years, poorer sibling relationships before age 20 predicted major depression by age 50 (opens in a new tab), even after accounting for relationships with parents.
• A study that followed young people from age 15 into their 40s found that warmth between siblings at 23 predicted lower anxiety and fewer depressive symptoms at 41 (opens in a new tab) (Gilligan and colleagues, 2024).

These are links, not guarantees. But they are a good reason to invest early.

Give each child time alone with you

It sounds backwards, but time apart helps siblings get along. When each child feels seen, there is less to compete for.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) says one-on-one time with each child is important (opens in a new tab), and suggests fitting it into daily routines, such as a bedtime chat. It does not need to be long or expensive.

• Ten minutes a day, phone away, with each child.
• Let each child pick the activity during their time.
• Once a month, a short outing with just one child.

Teach repair, not just "stop fighting"

Most parents want the fighting to stop. Researchers who study young siblings say that is not enough.

Laurie Kramer, a psychologist at Northeastern University, calls ignoring or separating siblings one of the least effective ways to address an issue between siblings (opens in a new tab). She points to ages 4 to 8 as an ideal time to learn the basics. Her online program for parents of 4- to 8-year-olds led to greater sibling warmth and less antagonism and rivalry (opens in a new tab), and the effects held months later.

Researchers at the University of New Hampshire suggest a few skills you can coach at home (UNH SAARA tips for caregivers, 2024 (opens in a new tab)):

1. Name the feeling. Teach children to pause, then name and say what they feel.
2. Don't take sides or solve it for them. Coach them to name the problem, hear each other's side and agree on a fix.
3. Set a family "no hitting" rule. Insults, threats and any physical hurting are off-limits for everyone, adults included.
4. Show them how. Take a breath before you react. When you get it wrong, say so, and say sorry.

One simple script from Kramer's work: "see it your way, see it my way" (opens in a new tab). It helps kids pause and notice that both of them have feelings.

For what to do in the middle of a fight, see sibling rivalry and fighting.

Sisters, brothers and the roles we give them

Families hand out roles without meaning to: the responsible one, the funny one, the baby. UNH researchers warn that labels like "the funny one" or "the smart one" seem harmless but can cause resentment (opens in a new tab). Let each child try every role.

Raising sisters. If you are raising two or more daughters, the same habits apply. Don't compare them, even to praise one. Give each girl her own time with you and her own interests. The payoff can be long: in a study of 608 adults with an average age of about 65, sister-sister pairs had the warmest sibling relationships (opens in a new tab) of any combination (Stocker and colleagues, 2020).

Raising brothers and mixed families. Give boys the same words for feelings you give girls. Ask older brothers to help, but not to be in charge.

Fair, not identical. Children will not always get the same thing, and that's fine. In a study of 74 families with teenagers, unequal treatment was linked to worse parent-child relationships only when teens saw it as unfair (opens in a new tab). So explain your reasons, out loud, to both children. Read more in how favoritism affects siblings.

Shared fun, traditions and stories

Kids need fun that only works when they do it together. Penn State's "Siblings Are Special" program brought older and younger siblings together for after-school sessions and family nights. In a randomized trial it improved sibling relationships, children's self-control, social skills and school performance (opens in a new tab).

At home, the AAP suggests teamwork-based games, or not keeping score (opens in a new tab), for kids who compete hard. It also says eating together once a day goes a long way.

Tell family stories, too. Researchers at Emory University found that children who knew more about their family's history had higher self-esteem, better family functioning and lower anxiety (opens in a new tab). That is a link, not proof of cause, but stories cost nothing. Tell your children how their grandparents met, what you and your own siblings got up to, and who they are named after.

Ideas by age

More ideas, sorted by age, are in activities that build sibling bonds.

When siblings grow up and grow apart

Leaving home, college, work, marriage and children all reshape sibling relationships in early adulthood (opens in a new tab) (Conger and Little, 2010). Some drifting is normal. You can still help:

• Keep a family group chat going, and keep the holiday traditions.
• Don't pass messages between adult children. Encourage them to call each other.
• Welcome new partners as family. See when in-laws become siblings.

Adult siblings can take it from there. Telling a sibling what they mean to you and showing up for ordinary moments are good places to start.

This guide is part of the companion to Enduring Bonds, a memoir about siblings by our founder, Faruque Amin. Its chapter "Raising Sisters" is about these same questions. See the Enduring Bonds companion for every page linked from the book.

What you can do today

• Spend ten minutes alone with each child tonight.
• Next time they fight, ask each one to say how the other one feels before anyone gets a turn.
• Drop one label ("the shy one", "the easy one") from how you talk about your kids.
• Explain one recent "unfair" decision to both children.
• Tell them one story about you and your own brother or sister.
• Pick one activity from the Sibling activity ideas list for this weekend.