Say It While You Can: Telling Your Siblings What They Mean to You

To tell your sibling what they mean to you, pick one specific memory, say what it meant, and tell them now, in a letter, a call or a text. It does not need to be long or polished. Research says it will land better than you think.

This page is about brothers and sisters who are still here. If your sibling has died, see talking about a sibling who died instead.

Why we wait, and why not to

Most of us save our biggest words for weddings, graduations and funerals. Day to day, we assume our siblings already know. Or we say one honest sentence, then make a joke to cover it.

Part of the reason is a mistake in how we predict other people's reactions. In three experiments at the University of Chicago, people wrote thank-you letters and guessed how the reader would feel. They underestimated how surprised and how positive the readers would feel, and overestimated how awkward it would be (opens in a new tab) (Kumar and Epley, 2018). Expecting awkwardness made people less willing to say thanks at all.

The same goes for small messages. A series of experiments led by researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that people robustly underestimate how much others appreciate being reached out to (opens in a new tab), whether by a short check-in or a small gift (Liu and colleagues, 2023). The gap was biggest when the message was a surprise, and between people who were less close. So the brother or sister you talk to least may be the one who would be gladdest to hear from you.

There's a longer-term reason too. Warmth between siblings in young adulthood has been linked to lower anxiety and fewer depressive symptoms in midlife (opens in a new tab) (Gilligan and colleagues, 2024). Saying it is part of keeping that warmth.

Finding the words

Specific beats general. "You're the best" is nice. "You drove two hours to help me move, and you didn't complain once" is something they will keep.

Prompts to get you started:

• A time they stood up for you.
• Something they taught you, on purpose or by accident.
• A day you laughed so hard you couldn't breathe.
• Something they did that you never thanked them for.
• What you admire about the adult they've become.
• What you hope you'll still be doing together in 20 years.

Write down a few lines for each. Pick the one that makes your throat tighten a little. That's the one.

Writing a letter of thanks

UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center describes a gratitude letter practice (opens in a new tab): write to someone who did something for you that you never properly thanked, describe specifically what they did and how it affected your life, and, if you can, read it to them in person. It suggests not worrying about grammar or spelling, and budgeting about 10 minutes to write.

Here is a short template. Fill in the blanks and don't polish it.

Put it on paper if you can. Paper gets kept. Texts get scrolled past.

Saying it in person, by phone or by text

There is no wrong way. Choose the one you'll actually do.

• In person. The Greater Good practice suggests reading the letter aloud, then talking about it together, then leaving them the letter.
• On a video call. Good when you live far apart. Tell them you have something to read and ask them to let you finish.
• By text or voice note. Short and real is fine: "Saw a red bike today and thought of you teaching me to ride. Thank you for that. Love you."
• In a card on an ordinary day. No birthday needed. The surprise is part of the gift.

When the relationship is complicated

Maybe you love your sibling and also feel hurt by them. You can still say one true, kind thing without pretending the hurt isn't there.

• Keep it about what you're grateful for, not what they owe you.
• Don't use the letter to settle old scores. That's a different conversation.
• If you're not ready for warmth, start smaller: "Thinking of you today."

If there's real distance between you, start with how to repair a relationship with a sibling. Sibling researcher Megan Gilligan told NPR that with old family tensions, it's not a good strategy to let it go (opens in a new tab).

Making it a habit, not a one-time speech

One letter is a good start. It is not a finish line. In a well-known University of Pennsylvania study, several positive exercises lastingly increased happiness (opens in a new tab) (Seligman and colleagues, 2005). The Greater Good Science Center reports that the gratitude letter gave the biggest boost a month later, but that happiness returned to baseline by six months (opens in a new tab). That isn't a reason to skip it. It's a reason to repeat it.

Ideas to keep it going:

• A note on each sibling's birthday that names one thing from the past year.
• A "thank you" text the day after a family event.
• A standing call. See showing up for your siblings for more.

This page is a companion to Chapter 20 of Enduring Bonds, a memoir about siblings by our founder, Faruque Amin. See the Enduring Bonds companion for every page linked from the book. If you're raising children, the habit starts early. See how to raise siblings who stay close.

What you can do today

• Write one sentence about one memory with each of your siblings.
• Send one of them a short "thinking of you" text, with no reason given.
• Start the letter template above for the sibling you talk to least.
• Put a reminder in your calendar to send another note next month.
• Pick a shared activity from the Sibling activity ideas tool and invite them.