How to Repair a Relationship With a Sibling

To repair a relationship with a sibling, start with one short, blame-free message, listen before you explain, own your part, and aim for "good enough" rather than perfect. Many estranged siblings do find their way back. Repair is not required, though, where there was abuse.

This guide is practical, not therapy. If the hurt runs deep, a counselor who understands family relationships can help you both.

Is repair possible, and is it safe?

8%

In the same survey, 27% of Americans 18 and older had cut off contact with a family member (opens in a new tab). Pillemer's research led him to believe that in most cases, reconciliation is possible and worth pursuing.

Before you reach out, ask yourself one question: Is it safe?

For ordinary rifts (a fight that went too far, years of silence, money, a parent's care, an in-law, a slight that grew), the steps below can help.

Why sibling relationships break

Knowing the cause helps you choose the first step.

• Old roles. The bossy older one, the baby who never grew up in everyone's eyes. NPR reported that siblings can easily fall back into old dynamics (opens in a new tab) from childhood.
• Favoritism. NPR notes that if parents had favorites, that can make the relationship harder (opens in a new tab). Research on children links being the less-favored child to more emotional and behavior problems (opens in a new tab) (Jensen and Thomsen, 2024). See how favoritism affects siblings.
• Caring for parents, inheritance and money. See siblings and aging parents.
• Partners and in-laws. See when in-laws become siblings.
• Different values or life choices, such as religion, politics or where you live.

Reaching out first

Someone has to go first. Pillemer found that the people who reconciled abandoned a need for the estranged relative to accept their version of the past and to apologize (opens in a new tab).

Keep the first message short:

You may be more welcome than you fear. In a series of experiments, people underestimated how much others appreciate being reached out to (opens in a new tab), and the gap was larger between people who weren't close (Liu and colleagues, 2023).

Then wait. Don't follow up every day. Give them time to answer.

The conversation: listen, own your part

When you talk, the first goal is understanding, not winning.

1. Ask for their side first. "I'd really like to understand how it felt for you."
2. Listen without defending. Take notes later if you need to. Interrupting restarts the fight.
3. Be curious, not judgmental. Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer told NPR it helps to be curious about your sibling's point of view, rather than judgmental (opens in a new tab).
4. Own your part. Pillemer describes seeing conflict as a dynamic, two-way process (opens in a new tab). That does not mean taking all the blame.
5. Apologize specifically. "I'm sorry I missed your wedding. I know it hurt." No "but".
6. Agree on one small next step. Another call, a coffee, a holiday card.

Sibling researcher Megan Gilligan told NPR that it's not a good strategy to let it go (opens in a new tab). Acknowledge the history and try to work through it.

Old roles and new patterns

Even after a good talk, old habits come back. Some ways to build new ones:

• If you're the eldest, ask for opinions instead of giving orders.
• If you're the youngest, say plainly what you need instead of waiting to be noticed.
• Assume good intent. A sibling who doesn't call back may be exhausted, not angry. Ask before assuming.
• Keep conflict small and early. Some friction is normal. Researchers who study siblings note that conflict can even build social and emotional skills (opens in a new tab). The goal is handling it well, not never disagreeing.
• Stop using go-betweens. Talk to each other, not through your parents.

When repair doesn't happen

Sometimes you do everything right and your sibling still says no, or says nothing.

Pillemer's advice includes deciding the minimum relationship you can accept (opens in a new tab), and he notes that even attempts that don't succeed can bring greater peace of mind.

• Leave the door open: a birthday message, a card at the holidays.
• Write about it in a journal. Pillemer also suggests writing from the other person's point of view.
• Let yourself grieve the relationship you hoped for. Making room for grief can help, even when no one has died.

Getting help from a counselor

A counselor can help you sort out what you want and how to say it, or meet with both of you. Pillemer lists counseling, individually or together, among the strategies that helped people reconcile. UNH researchers suggest asking any therapist about their training and experience with sibling relationships (opens in a new tab), and say it's normal to talk to a few before choosing.

Once you're talking again, keep it going. Telling your sibling what they mean to you is a good next step.

This page is a companion to Chapter 22 of Enduring Bonds, a memoir about siblings by our founder, Faruque Amin. See the Enduring Bonds companion for every page linked from the book.

What you can do today

• Ask yourself honestly: is contact safe? If not, don't reach out. Reach for support instead.
• Write down the smallest relationship you could live with.
• Draft a three-sentence first message with no blame in it.
• Write one thing you would do differently, for your own clarity.
• Send the message, or set a date to send it.
• If you're struggling, talk to a counselor, a faith leader or a trusted friend this week.