Sibling Rivalry and Fighting: What Parents Can Do

Sibling rivalry is normal, and most of it is harmless. The best response is to coach, not referee: let kids try to solve small fights, step in calmly when they can't, and treat them fairly without treating them the same.

There is one exception. Fighting that is one-sided, repeated, frightening or causes injury is not ordinary rivalry. This guide shows you how to tell the difference.

Why siblings fight

Brothers and sisters share parents, space, toys and time. Of course they compete. Researchers at Penn State, Arizona State and Purdue describe siblings as companions, confidants, combatants and the people children compare themselves with (opens in a new tab), all in the same relationship.

Common triggers:

• Attention. A new baby, a sick sibling, or a parent who is stretched thin.
• Fairness. Who got more, who went first, who got away with it.
• Age and skills. Younger children don't yet have the words or self-control to settle things.
• Stress. Moves, money worries, grief and tired parents all raise the temperature.

Some conflict is even useful. A review of research on sibling conflict found it can be linked to growth in children's social and emotional skills and their sense of self (opens in a new tab). Kids learn to argue, negotiate and make up with the people they can't walk away from.

When to step in and when to coach

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) suggests that if it's a simple disagreement, you give them a chance to solve it on their own (opens in a new tab). If they can't, step in as a calm, neutral party.

Age matters. Laurie Kramer, a psychologist at Northeastern University, says parents should step in, especially for kids under the age of eight who may not have skills to manage on their own (opens in a new tab). She also says ignoring or separating siblings is one of the least effective ways to address an issue between siblings (opens in a new tab), because kids may read your silence as approval.

A simple ladder:

1. Notice out loud. "I hear two people who both want the tablet."
2. Let them try. "Can you two work it out? I'm right here."
3. Coach if they're stuck. Help each child say what they feel and what they want.
4. Step in firmly if anyone is hitting, being cruel, or can't calm down. Separate them to cool off, then come back and solve it.

Fair isn't always equal

Children keep score. But fair doesn't have to mean identical. A teenager needs a later bedtime. A child who is struggling at school needs more help with homework.

In a study of 74 families with teenage siblings, unequal treatment was linked to worse parent-child relationships only when teens saw it as unfair (opens in a new tab). Treatment the teens judged fair did no harm. The lesson: explain your reasons.

University of New Hampshire researchers add: treat children fairly, without favoritism (opens in a new tab), and resist comparing or labeling them. For more, see how parental favoritism affects siblings.

Teaching kids to solve problems together

The aim is kids who can settle things without you. UNH's tips for caregivers (SAARA, 2024 (opens in a new tab)) give a short plan:

• Feelings first. Teach children to pause, then name and say what they feel.
• Don't take sides or solve it for them. Coach them to find the problem, see each other's feelings and agree on a fix.
• "No hitting" for everyone. No adult or child hits anyone in the family. Insults and threats are off-limits too.
• Model it. Take a breath before reacting, and argue respectfully in front of them.

Kramer's phrase "see it your way, see it my way" (opens in a new tab) is a good script for ages 4 and up.

Prevention helps too. The AAP suggests teamwork-based games, or not keeping score (opens in a new tab), for kids who compete hard. Find more in activities that build sibling bonds or try the tool below.

When fighting goes too far

Sibling aggression is common, and it is often brushed off. When a University of New Hampshire research center launched a sibling aggression initiative in 2022, it noted that national surveys find one-third of children have been physically assaulted by a brother or sister in the past year (opens in a new tab).

It is not harmless. A national study of 3,599 children and teens found that those who experienced sibling aggression in the past year reported greater mental health distress (opens in a new tab) (Tucker and colleagues, 2013). In a large UK study, 12-year-olds who were frequently bullied by a sibling were about twice as likely to have depression at 18 (opens in a new tab) (Bowes and colleagues, 2014).

UNH researchers say ordinary conflict is usually mild and brief (opens in a new tab). They suggest these questions to spot something more serious:

• Is there hitting, kicking or shoving after the toddler years?
• Does the same child always win, or always get hurt?
• Is there a power difference, such as age, size or a parent's favoritism?
• Is it planned or patterned, as if meant to hurt?
• Does a child feel targeted or afraid?
• Has it gotten worse over time?
• Has anyone been injured?

The researchers note that not all questions have to be answered with a "yes" for the behavior to be harmful (opens in a new tab), and that the impact matters more than the intent.

If you check any of these, act now:

• Separate the children and supervise closely.
• Talk to your child's pediatrician, school counselor or nurse. UNH lists them as good places to start for advice (opens in a new tab).
• For confidential advice, contact the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (opens in a new tab). You can call 1-800-422-4453, or text or chat through its site. It is for anyone worried about a child.
• If a child is in danger right now, call 911.

Hard years with a brother or sister can echo into adulthood. If that is your story, see how to repair a relationship with a sibling.

What you can do today

• Agree on a family "no hitting, no insults" rule, and say it applies to adults too.
• Next fight: notice out loud, then wait ten seconds before you say anything else.
• Teach "see it your way, see it my way" at dinner, when nobody is upset.
• Explain one decision that felt unfair to one of your kids.
• Choose one teamwork game for the weekend, with no winner and loser.
• If anything on the warning-sign list fits, call your pediatrician this week.