Showing Up for Your Siblings in Ordinary Moments

Being there for your siblings is mostly about ordinary moments: the small ceremony, the call after a hard day, a meal or a night out for no reason. The big days remind us. The small ones are where closeness is built or lost.

This page is about everyday presence with brothers and sisters who are living. If your sibling is grieving a death, see how to support a grieving sibling.

Why ordinary moments matter most

Nobody needs a reminder to go to a wedding. It's the Thursday night awards evening, the school concert or the first day at a new job that gets skipped. Those are the ones a brother or sister remembers you came to, because they know you didn't have to.

Research backs up the small stuff. In a series of experiments, people underestimated how much others appreciate being reached out to (opens in a new tab), even with a brief check-in (Liu and colleagues, 2023). The gap was biggest when the contact was a surprise.

And the effects add up over a lifetime:

• A study that followed young people from 15 into their 40s found that warmth toward and from a sibling at 23 predicted lower anxiety and fewer depressive symptoms at 41 (opens in a new tab) (Gilligan and colleagues, 2024).
• In a study of 608 adults with an average age of about 65, sibling warmth was linked to less loneliness (opens in a new tab) (Stocker and colleagues, 2020).

Why showing up gets harder

It isn't a lack of love. It's logistics. Leaving home, finishing school, starting work, marrying and having children all transform sibling relationships in early adulthood (opens in a new tab) (Conger and Little, 2010). Partners, jobs and kids pull your time in new directions.

Sibling researcher Megan Gilligan told NPR that sibling relationships take nurturing and commitment (opens in a new tab), just like friendships and marriages. The busiest years are also the years when it counts.

The milestones

These are the days to plan around, early:

• Graduations and award nights, including the small ones: a certificate, a recital, a belt test.
• Weddings, engagements and the events around them, from mehndi and henna nights to rehearsal dinners.
• New babies. Show up with food, not just a gift. Offer to take the older kids for an afternoon.
• New jobs, moves and first homes. Help carry boxes. Bring dinner on the first night.
• Religious and cultural days that matter to your family: Eid, Diwali, Christmas, Lunar New Year, a first fast, a bar or bat mitzvah.

When you go, go properly. Arrive early. Sit where they can see you. Stay to the end. Take the group photo, and get in it.

The small things: a call, a meal, a night out

Most of being there is small and repeated.

• A standing call. Same day, same time, every week. Ten minutes counts.
• A siblings-only group chat. For jokes, photos and "can you believe Mom said..."
• Birthdays a week early. Put each sibling's birthday in your calendar with a reminder seven days ahead.
• A meal for no reason. Pick up food and eat together. No occasion needed.
• One-on-one time. Once a year, take each brother or sister out alone, without partners or kids.
• A tradition. An annual trip, a holiday game, a dish you always cook together. A tradition gives everyone a reason to keep meeting, even in busy years.

Need ideas? Try the tool below.

Showing up across distance

Living far apart doesn't mean you can't be there. It means planning.

• Be there on the day. Call on the night of the result, not the weekend after.
• Join by video. Ask someone to hold up a phone during the ceremony so you can see and they can hear you cheer.
• Time the mail. A card that arrives on the right day says "I remembered."
• Book early for the one event you can't miss each year.
• Be honest about the ones you can't make. "I know what tonight is, and I'm thinking about you" matters more than silence.
• Visit in the in-between times, not only for holidays.

When showing up is hard

Sometimes the hard part isn't time. It's the relationship, or what's going on in your life.

• If there's tension, start smaller: a text on the day, a short visit. See how to repair a relationship with a sibling.
• If you're both caring for a parent, NPR reported Gilligan's advice to set up a daily text or weekly video call to make a plan (opens in a new tab). Our guide to siblings and aging parents has more.
• If your sibling has a new partner, make room for them. See when in-laws become siblings.
• If you're the one who's struggling, tell a sibling. Letting them show up for you is part of the bond too.

Words help too

Showing up and saying it go together. A short note after an event ("I was so proud of you tonight") makes the moment last longer. See telling your siblings what they mean to you for prompts and a short letter.

This page is a companion to Chapter 21 of Enduring Bonds, a memoir about siblings by our founder, Faruque Amin. See the Enduring Bonds companion for every page linked from the book.

What you can do today

• Put every sibling's birthday in your calendar, with a reminder a week ahead.
• Look up the next small event in a sibling's life and say you're coming.
• Start a siblings-only group chat, or wake up an old one.
• Suggest a standing weekly call, same day and time.
• Plan one outing this month for no reason at all.
• Send one sibling a "thinking of you" message right now.