Helping a Child Grieve the Death of a Brother or Sister

To help a child grieve a brother or sister, tell them the truth in simple words, let them ask the same questions as often as they need, include them in saying goodbye, keep daily routines steady, and make sure they know an adult is still there for them. Children grieve deeply, even when they don't show it the way adults do.

You may be grieving the same child while you care for the one in front of you. That is one of the hardest things a parent or caregiver can do. You don't have to do it perfectly.

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Children grieve too, in their own way

The Dougy Center describes a sibling's death as “a before-and-after experience in childhood” (opens in a new tab) that changes a child's life forever. The American Academy of Pediatrics says grief can bring children disbelief, confusion, anger, anxiety and deep longing, and can disrupt sleep, meals and more (opens in a new tab).

Children often grieve in bursts. A child may cry hard, then ask for a snack and go back to playing. That doesn't mean they're over it. Many kids show grief through play, art, energy or behavior instead of words.

Some children also hide their grief. The AAP warns that kids may keep their feelings to themselves because they believe sharing them will make their parents feel worse (opens in a new tab). Tell your child plainly: “You can be sad around me. It won't make me worse. I want to know how you feel.”

Telling them with honest words

Start with a short, simple explanation in words your child understands, and let their questions guide what else you share. The Dougy Center's example for a young child is: “Your sister Michelle died. This means her body stopped working and the doctors weren't able to fix it.” (opens in a new tab)

• Use the words “died” and “dead.” Avoid “passed away,” “went to sleep,” “crossed over” or “lost,” which confuse children.
• If there is a cause, name it simply. The AAP says knowing the cause helps children understand that the death was not their fault (opens in a new tab).
• Expect repeat questions, like “Will we see Katy at dinner?” The Dougy Center says this doesn't mean you explained it badly. Give the same honest answer again.

Our guide to talking to children about death, by age has words for toddlers, school-age kids and teens.

Including children in rituals

Many adults assume funerals will be too much for children. The AAP says the opposite is often true: kids who don't attend services for a loved one may feel confused or resentful (opens in a new tab) later.

• Invite, don't insist. Ask whether your child wants to go and how they'd like to take part.
• Explain what will happen. Describe the room, any prayers or rituals, and that some people will cry while others may smile or share funny stories.
• Give real choices. The Dougy Center suggests letting children choose whether to attend, where to sit, what to wear and how to participate (opens in a new tab), and inviting their ideas for flowers, music or readings.
• Bring a buddy. The AAP suggests asking a calm adult who is close to your child but not grieving as deeply, such as a babysitter or neighbor, to stay with them.

Later, let children help decide how to honor their sibling: what to do on the birthday or death anniversary, whether and when to visit the grave, and how to keep their memory alive. See anniversaries, holidays and memorials.

Routines, school and play

Predictable days help grieving children feel safe. The AAP recommends keeping regular meals, bedtimes and small routines (opens in a new tab) in place, without expecting everything to return to normal right away. The Dougy Center adds that children also need flexibility, so they can trust that their world will respond when they need a break.

• School: with your child's permission if they are older, tell teachers, the school counselor and coaches what happened. The AAP says this helps them offer support, adjust work and plan for grief triggers. Educators can find free training from the Coalition to Support Grieving Students (opens in a new tab). Read more in going back to school after a loss.
• Play and expression: offer crayons, clay, music or a card for their sibling. Some children need “big energy play” (opens in a new tab) like running, sports or messy projects more than talking.

Their place in the family

When a child dies, roles shift for the children left behind.

• They don't have to replace anyone. The Dougy Center says adults should reassure children they are not responsible for replacing their sibling (opens in a new tab). If their brother was the family comedian, they don't have to become one.
• Celebrate who they are. Avoid comparisons, even kind ones like “You'll be as great at school as your brother.” Some children feel survivor guilt, or feel the family would have been better off if they had died instead. Gently ask about it, and tell them clearly that is not true.
• Let them still be children. Grieving parents often become more protective. The Dougy Center reminds families that siblings need room to make mistakes and to know they are not responsible for the household, and that an adult is still available to take care of them (opens in a new tab).
• Keep the bond. Children can stay connected to a sibling who died through stories, photos and rituals. Researchers call this continuing bonds (opens in a new tab), and parents can encourage it.

When grief shows up later

A child's grief changes as they grow. A pediatrician writing for the AAP about her own daughter, who lost a little brother, explains that children may reprocess their grief (opens in a new tab) as they reach new stages, asking new and harder questions years later. The AAP also notes that milestones such as graduation can bring grief back, even in adulthood.

This is normal. Expect new questions at new ages, and answer them honestly each time.

When to get extra help

Most children, with steady support, find their way. Some need more. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network notes that a sudden death, such as an accident, can lead to Childhood Traumatic Grief (opens in a new tab) in some children, with trauma symptoms that interfere with daily life.

The AAP suggests talking with your child's doctor if your child has persistent trouble (opens in a new tab) with sleep, school, eating, friendships or basic self-care, or if they:

• use alcohol or drugs to cope, or take more risks than usual;
• get angry or into fights often;
• show depression or anxiety that doesn't ease over time;
• hurt themselves, or talk about suicide.

If you think your child is at immediate risk, call or text 988, call your pediatrician right away, or call 911.

Help for children and teens

Children's grief groups and camps help kids talk about grief without worrying about upsetting their families. Many are free.

• Search the Dougy Center program finder (opens in a new tab) or NACG Find Support (opens in a new tab) by ZIP code.
• Comfort Zone Camp (opens in a new tab) runs free weekend camps for ages 7 to 17 who had a parent or sibling die.
• Experience Camps (opens in a new tab) offers no-cost summer camps for kids, mostly in grades 4 to 12, whose parent, sibling or primary caregiver died.
• In New York City, The Jewish Board (opens in a new tab) runs free 10- to 12-week groups for ages 3 to 18.

The full list is in our grief support directory. For teenagers, also read when a teen is grieving.

Take care of yourself, too

The Dougy Center notes that research links how well a child does after a death to how well the adults in their life are doing (opens in a new tab). That doesn't mean hiding your grief. It means finding your own support, so you have the energy to be there for them. Our guide to parenting while grieving is for you.

What you can do today

• Tell your child, in one or two simple sentences, what happened, using the word “died.”
• Say: “You can ask me anything, as many times as you want.”
• Keep one routine steady tonight, like dinner together or the bedtime story.
• Ask your child one way they'd like to remember their brother or sister.
• Let your child's teacher or school counselor know what happened.
• Save 988 in your phone, and call 911 if anyone is in immediate danger.