When a Teen Is Grieving: Signs and Support

Grieving teenagers understand death much as adults do, but many keep their grief hidden: in their room, behind headphones, or behind “I'm fine.” The best help is steady, patient closeness. Respect their privacy, keep inviting them in, let the school know with their permission, and act fast on any warning sign of danger.

Teens can also reach help on their own. Anyone can call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org (opens in a new tab), free and at any hour. Counselors help with any kind of emotional distress, not only thoughts of suicide.

How teen grief can look

The American Academy of Pediatrics says that as they grow into adolescence, kids view death in a more adult way (opens in a new tab), but many resist sharing their feelings. Teens may stay in their rooms, skip meals, or avoid family and friends for a while.

The AAP also notes that many tweens and teens try to hide any sign of weakness (opens in a new tab), which can mean they are mourning alone. Because teens naturally push for independence, some feel guilty about past arguments with the person who died.

Grieving teens who worked with the Dougy Center describe things like:

• sleep that gets messed up, with trouble falling asleep, early waking or strange dreams;
• food that doesn't taste the same, or a stomach in knots;
• forgetting things and losing track of time;
• getting really worried if someone is a few minutes late or doesn't answer a text;
• feeling numb, and wondering if they are grieving “right”;
• getting irritated with friends' everyday drama.

You can find these in the Dougy Center's tip sheet, Now What? Tips for Teens Who Are Grieving (opens in a new tab). It is written for teens, so it's a good one to share.

Respecting privacy, staying close

Teens need both space and connection. Try to give them both.

• Don't assume they're fine. The AAP suggests opening a conversation with: “I'm wondering which part of this is the hardest for you.” If they don't want to talk, tell them you love them and try again later.
• Talk side by side. Car rides, cooking together or a walk can feel easier than face-to-face talks.
• Model healthy coping. The AAP suggests walks, workouts, music, journaling, art and time with good friends, and calming habits like deep breathing.
• Give real choices about the funeral, memorials and how to mark their sibling's or loved one's birthday.
• Share stories. Teens may worry about forgetting the person. The Dougy Center suggests asking family and friends to share memories, so teens can keep adding to what they know.

If your teen lost a brother or sister, read losing a sibling together, or leave it where they can find it. It is written for siblings of every age.

School and friends

Grief makes school harder. The Coalition to Support Grieving Students says temporary academic problems are common among grieving students (opens in a new tab), and can show up right away or weeks or months later. Teachers can help by changing assignments, moving due dates, adjusting or postponing tests, and choosing different readings when a story mirrors the student's loss.

The AAP suggests asking older kids for permission, then letting teachers, counselors and coaches know what's happening, so they can offer support and plan for grief triggers (opens in a new tab). Our guide to going back to school after a loss has a plan you can work out together.

Friends matter enormously at this age, and many don't know what to do. The Dougy Center's advice for friends is to show up, stick around, act normal, and listen (opens in a new tab). Your teen might want to share that tip sheet with a close friend.

Risky behavior and warning signs

Some grieving teens take risks they wouldn't have before. The AAP notes that some experiment with drinking, drugs and other risky behaviors (opens in a new tab), and recommends calling your pediatrician if your teen:

• uses alcohol, drugs or other substances to cope;
• takes more risks than usual, such as unsafe driving;
• gets angry often or into fights;
• shows signs of depression or anxiety that don't ease over time;
• cuts or harms themselves in other ways;
• talks about suicide or about a plan to end their life.

The National Institute of Mental Health lists warning signs of suicide (opens in a new tab), including talking about wanting to die, feeling hopeless or trapped, feeling like a burden, withdrawing from friends, giving away important things, and big changes in sleep, eating or substance use.

Support made for teens

• Teen grief groups: search the Dougy Center program finder (opens in a new tab) by ZIP code. The Dougy Center's teen resource page (opens in a new tab) has free tip sheets and activities.
• Camps: Experience Camps (opens in a new tab) offers no-cost summer camps for kids, mostly in grades 4 to 12, whose parent, sibling or primary caregiver died, plus GRIEF SUCKS, its online content for grieving teens.
• Online groups: Comfort Zone Camp (opens in a new tab) runs free month-long virtual support groups for ages 10 to 17.
• For teens who lost a sibling: some chapters of The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) run sibling groups for teens; ask your local chapter about ages. In New York, the COPE Foundation (opens in a new tab) runs groups for teens and young adults.
• Text support: teens who would rather text than talk can text HOME to 741741 to reach Crisis Text Line (opens in a new tab), any time.

More options are in our grief support directory.

If you're a teen reading this

There's no right way to do this. The Dougy Center says it straight: grief “doesn't follow any rules or keep to a schedule.” (opens in a new tab) A few things teens say help:

• breathe slowly when a wave hits;
• move your body, even just a walk;
• text a friend who knows how to listen;
• write it out, or draw, or make something;
• ask for help, even though it's hard.

Feeling guilty or full of regret is common too. If it's weighing on you, read guilt after a loss, and talk with an adult you trust. If you ever think about hurting yourself, call or text 988 right now. You matter.

What you can do today

• Tell your teen, “You don't have to talk. I just want you to know I'm here, any time.”
• Save 988 in your teen's phone and in yours.
• Ask your teen what, if anything, they want their school to know.
• Plan one low-pressure thing together this week, like a drive, a meal out or a walk.
• Look up one teen grief group or camp, and offer it without pushing.