Grief After a Drowning: Sudden Loss and Its Questions

When someone you love drowns, the grief that follows is usually grief after a sudden, unexpected death. It often arrives with shock, disbelief, questions that won't stop, and sometimes trauma. All of this is a common human response to a terrible loss, and help is available for you and for the children in your family.

This page was written by a foundation that began with this kind of loss. In August 2022, Basir Amin and his brother-in-law Afrid Haider drowned. In September 2022, Basir's sister Nasrin also died. We keep the private details of those weeks within the family. What we share here comes from bereavement and health organizations, cited on the page.

Sudden loss is different

With a long illness, families sometimes have time to say goodbye. A drowning usually gives no warning. The American Academy of Pediatrics says that a sudden death, such as the loss of a baby to SIDS or a drowning (opens in a new tab), “can trigger shock, rage and disbelief in those who survive,” and that guilt and blame may mix in with grief.

You might feel:

• numb, or as if you are watching your life from outside;
• unable to believe it happened, even after the funeral;
• angry at yourself, at others, at God, or at the person who died;
• exhausted, foggy and forgetful;
• afraid that something will happen to someone else you love.

The American Psychiatric Association (opens in a new tab) notes that grief is more likely to become long-lasting and disabling when a death happens very suddenly or under unnatural circumstances. That is not a prediction about you. It is a reason to accept support early rather than waiting until you are at the end of your strength.

Shock, questions and “what ifs”

After a drowning, the mind often goes back to the day again and again. The Compassionate Friends (opens in a new tab) describes newly bereaved parents feeling as if a videotape plays “in an endless loop” in their mind, running through what happened. Siblings and grandparents often feel the same.

Some questions may never have full answers. The AAP notes that after a sudden death, parents and siblings may search their souls for reasons but come up empty (opens in a new tab). It can help to write the questions down, so they live on paper instead of only in your head, and to bring them to a counselor, a faith leader or a support group.

“What if” thoughts and guilt are very common. They are a sign of how much you loved the person, not proof that you failed them. Our guide to guilt and “what if” thoughts goes deeper.

When grief and trauma overlap

A sudden, frightening death can leave trauma reactions on top of grief. SAMHSA's guide to grief after a traumatic event lists signs of complicated or traumatic grief (opens in a new tab), including:

• nightmares or intrusive thoughts;
• not wanting any reminders of your loved one at all;
• being unable to think about anything but your loved one;
• feeling unable to keep up regular activities or responsibilities;
• being unable to enjoy life or remember happy times with the person.

SAMHSA says that for most people, intense grief eases gradually and begins to lessen within about 6 months. If yours is not easing at all, or is growing more intense, that is the time to see a doctor or a counselor trained in grief and trauma. This is not a sign of weakness. Treatments help. See when grief doesn't ease for what that help looks like.

Reminders can also catch you off guard. The VA's National Center for PTSD explains that trauma memories can make reminders and dates feel threatening (opens in a new tab), even ones that seem unrelated. For some families that might be a season, a holiday weekend or the sight of water. Planning ahead for hard days helps; our guide to anniversaries and holidays shows how.

Supporting children and siblings

Children notice everything, even when adults try to protect them. The Dougy Center advises telling children about a death as soon as possible (opens in a new tab), so they hear it from someone they trust rather than from other kids or social media, and using clear words instead of phrases like “passed away” or “lost.”

The AAP suggests explaining the cause of death in simple and clear terms, without unnecessary details (opens in a new tab), so children don't imagine that something they did, said or thought caused it. For a young child, that might sound like: “Your brother drowned. That means he was under the water and couldn't breathe, and his body stopped working. He can't come back. It is not your fault.”

Some children have strong trauma reactions after a sudden death. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network calls this Childhood Traumatic Grief (opens in a new tab): trauma symptoms that interfere with daily life and make it hard to remember good times with the person. Many children adjust well with support, but if your child's reactions are severe or don't ease, ask your pediatrician for a referral.

For more, read helping a child grieve a brother or sister, talking to children about death, by age and, if you are a parent, parenting while grieving.

Turning toward others

Grief after a drowning can make you want to shut the door. Try to leave it open a crack.

• Accept practical help. The AAP encourages families to accept help with meals, chores and rides (opens in a new tab). It lightens your load and shows children that people can make a difference in hard times.
• Find people who understand. We have not found a U.S. national group only for families after a drowning. General bereavement groups welcome families after any cause of death; our grief support directory lists them. In the UK, the Royal Life Saving Society is a water-safety charity, not a bereavement charity, but it partners with bereavement organizations (opens in a new tab) to support families who have lost someone to drowning.
• Lean on your faith or community if that brings comfort. The National Institute on Aging (opens in a new tab) notes that many grieving people find comfort in prayer, scripture and time with others who share their beliefs.
• Culturally familiar support. South Asian families can call the SAMHIN HelpLine (opens in a new tab) (not a crisis line) for support and referrals to culturally competent clinicians.

If you want to do something in their name

Some families, in time, want to help keep other families safe. SAMHSA lists “getting involved in advocacy to help people who have experienced similar losses” (opens in a new tab) among the positive changes some people notice after a loss. In the UK, RLSS UK says it works with families who have lost someone to drowning to raise awareness and help prevent further tragedies (opens in a new tab).

The Amin family did this too. In their statement of September 4, 2022, they said the foundation would, among other things, “lend emotional support to families dealing with drowning-related loss.” You can read our story.

But please hear this: you never have to turn grief into a cause. The National Institute on Aging suggests putting off major decisions (opens in a new tab) while you are grieving. If one day you want to share water-safety resources, our community water-safety guides and get involved page are here. Quieter ways of remembering are just as meaningful; see anniversaries, holidays and memorials.

What you can do today

• Let one person take one task off your list, such as a meal, a school pickup or a phone call.
• Write down the questions that keep circling, and choose one person to share them with.
• Tell the children in your family the truth in a few simple words, and that it was not their fault.
• Look up one bereavement group, counselor or helpline in our support directory.
• If the pain feels unbearable or you think about harming yourself, call or text 988 right now. In an emergency, call 911.