Going Back to School or Work After a Loss

Going back to school or work after a death is a big step, and there's no perfect time for it. Go back when you can, expect your focus to be slower for a while, decide ahead of time what you want people to know, and make a simple plan for the moments when grief hits during the day. Teachers and employers can help, and it's okay to ask.

Deciding when you're ready

Some people want the routine of school or work right away. Others need more time. Both are normal.

The Compassionate Friends warns newly bereaved parents against placing impossible deadlines on themselves (opens in a new tab), going back to work and then finding their mind wanders or they read the same paragraph over and over. The National Institute on Aging (opens in a new tab) lists problems with concentration and with making decisions among common grief reactions.

Things to think about:

• Can you start part-time or with lighter duties for the first week or two?
• Is there a quiet first day? A Monday after a holiday, or a half day, can feel easier.
• Do you need a few more days for the funeral, travel, religious rites or paperwork?

About leave from work. The U.S. Department of Labor says the federal Fair Labor Standards Act does not require payment for time not worked, including attending a funeral (opens in a new tab), and that this kind of benefit is generally a matter of agreement between an employer and an employee. In practice, ask HR or your manager what your workplace offers. For questions about your rights, contact your state's labor department. This page is not legal advice.

Telling teachers, classmates or coworkers

You get to decide how much people know. It often helps to choose before your first day.

• Ask someone to share the news for you, such as a manager, a teacher or a close friend, so you don't have to tell it again and again.
• Prepare one or two sentences for when people ask: “My sister died in August. I'm glad to be back, but I may not want to talk about it here.”
• Tell people what helps. Many grieving people want others to say their person's name. The Dougy Center's tip sheet passes on a common request: ask about the person who died, rather than the details of the death (opens in a new tab).

For students, the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests asking older kids for permission, then letting teachers, counselors and coaches know what happened, so they can offer support and accommodations and plan for grief triggers (opens in a new tab). Let your child decide what classmates are told, and by whom.

If you're a friend or coworker of someone returning, read how to support someone who lost a sibling.

A plan for hard moments at school

Grief triggers are sudden reminders of the person who died: a song, a story in class, a holiday activity. The Coalition to Support Grieving Students says they are especially common in the first few months (opens in a new tab) but may come at any time, and can feel intense and frightening.

It suggests working out a plan with the school ahead of time, such as:

• a safe place to go, like the library or the counselor's office;
• a signal that lets the student leave the room quietly;
• permission to call a family member or see a counselor;
• a heads-up from teachers before lessons that touch on death or on a loss like the student's.

For schoolwork, the Coalition notes that temporary academic problems are common among grieving students (opens in a new tab), and can show up right away or weeks or months later. Teachers can offer later due dates, a partner instead of solo work, a different reading, extra time on tests, or a retest later.

For teens, also see when a teen is grieving. For younger children, see helping a child grieve a sibling.

Grief at your desk

At work, grief can show up as a foggy mind, slow reading, tears in a meeting or sudden tiredness.

• Keep a running list. When concentration is short, a written to-do list saves you from holding everything in your head.
• Take short breaks. A walk outside or five minutes somewhere quiet can help a wave pass.
• Ask for flexibility, such as a lighter workload, adjusted deadlines or working from home for a while, if your job allows it.
• Use your employee assistance program. The National Institute of Mental Health describes an EAP as a free and confidential service (opens in a new tab) paid for by your employer that can help with grief and trauma. Ask HR if you have one.
• Delay big decisions. The National Institute on Aging suggests not making a major change, such as leaving your job, while you're grieving and may not be thinking clearly.

For more on carrying grief day to day, see making room for grief.

What schools and employers can do

Schools:

• Reach out. The Coalition to Support Grieving Students says saying nothing is the least helpful choice (opens in a new tab).
• Use the Coalition's free training modules (opens in a new tab) on grief triggers, learning, guilt and support over time, and the Dougy Center's resources for teachers and staff (opens in a new tab).
• Keep supporting the student over time. The Coalition notes that feelings of grief may return at each birthday or holiday, and that the second year after a death is often even harder than the first (opens in a new tab).

Employers and managers:

• Ask the employee what they want shared, and with whom.
• Offer flexibility for the first weeks, and remind them about the EAP.
• Mark the anniversary in your calendar and check in privately.
• In New York City, Our House NYC (opens in a new tab) offers workplace programs, including grief-informed training for managers and support for bereaved employees returning to work.

When it's more than a hard week

If months go by and you still can't concentrate, sleep or get through the day, or if grief is getting heavier rather than lighter, talk with a doctor or grief counselor. Our grief support directory lists free and low-cost options. If you think about ending your life, call or text 988 any time. In an emergency, call 911.

What you can do today

• Choose a return date, and if you can, a lighter first week.
• Write the one or two sentences you'll say when people ask.
• Ask one person, a manager, teacher or friend, to share the news for you.
• Students: make a grief-trigger plan with a teacher or counselor, including a safe place to go.
• Workers: ask HR about leave, flexibility and your employee assistance program.