How to Talk to Children About Death, by Age

To explain death to a child, tell them soon and yourself, in a few short sentences, using the real word “died.” Explain that the person's body stopped working, that they can't come back, and that it isn't your child's fault. Then let their questions lead, and expect to answer the same ones again.

Many adults find this conversation frightening. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that when caring adults give children a simple framework for understanding death (opens in a new tab), children benefit. You don't need perfect words. Honest, gentle ones are enough.

Use clear words like “died”

The Dougy Center recommends telling children as soon as possible (opens in a new tab), so they hear it from someone they trust rather than from other kids or social media. Find a safe, comfortable place and start with a short, simple explanation.

Avoid euphemisms such as “passed away,” “went to sleep,” “crossed over” or “lost.” The Dougy Center says they confuse children. The AAP adds that a preschooler told someone “has gone to sleep” or “gone on a long journey” may become afraid to fall asleep or to travel (opens in a new tab).

Instead, use plain, gentle words. The Dougy Center's own example sounds like this:

“Honey, I have very sad news. Daddy died. His heart stopped working. He had a heart attack and the doctors weren't able to fix his heart.” (opens in a new tab)

Then you can add what “died” means: their body stopped working, and they can't come back.

If the person died of an illness, name it. The Dougy Center notes that saying only “he got really sick” can make children anxious the next time someone has a cold. If the death was sudden, such as an accident or a drowning, explain the cause in simple terms without upsetting details. Our page on grief after a drowning has an example.

Under 5

Babies and toddlers can't understand death, but they feel the sadness around them. The AAP suggests extra cuddles and attention, keeping daily routines going, and short, direct answers such as “Yes, I feel sad right now, but our family and friends are here for me.”

Preschoolers often think death is temporary, partly because cartoon characters pop back to life. The AAP suggests introducing four ideas in simple language:

1. The person is not coming back. Death is permanent.
2. They are not suffering. Their body has stopped working, so they don't feel pain, hunger or loneliness.
3. Everything that lives will die someday. People, pets, trees and flowers.
4. It is not your fault. Nothing your child did, said or thought made it happen.

You might say: “We won't see Auntie anymore, and that means we'll miss her. But we will always remember her.”

Ages 5 to 9

Most children come to understand what death means in these years. The AAP says children generally learn the concepts of death between 5 and 7 years of age on average (opens in a new tab), but knowing something is different from accepting it.

Sources describe this a little differently, and every child is different. The Coalition to Support Grieving Students, for example, describes four concepts of death (opens in a new tab) rather than ages: death is irreversible, all life functions end, everything alive eventually dies, and there are physical reasons someone dies. Watch your own child, not only their age.

At this age, children:

• may need help finding words for their feelings;
• may ask the same questions many times, especially the younger ones;
• may need extra hugs and closeness, which can mean they're afraid of losing you too.

The AAP says it's more important to listen than to have the “perfect” words. A simple “What are you wondering about?” opens the door.

Ages 10 and up

Tweens and teens understand death much like adults do, but many won't want to talk about it. The AAP says teens may hide out in their rooms (opens in a new tab), skip meals or pull away from family and friends for a while, and some may try drinking, drugs or other risky behavior.

• Tell them the truth, including how the person died, in clear terms.
• Don't assume they're fine because they seem calm. The AAP suggests asking, “I'm wondering which part of this is the hardest for you.”
• Show healthy ways to cope: walks, music, journaling, art, time with good friends.
• Respect their privacy, and stay close.

Our guide to supporting a grieving teen goes further, including warning signs to watch for.

Questions children ask

Children ask direct questions. Short, honest answers work best. If you don't know an answer, it's okay to say so.

• “Is she coming back?” “No. When someone dies, their body stops working and they can't come back. I wish she could.”
• “Is it my fault?” “No. Nothing you did, said or thought made this happen.” The AAP says explaining the cause in simple terms makes children less likely to blame themselves.
• “Will you die too?” The AAP suggests something like: “I am healthy and doing everything I can to stay well. I expect to be with you for a very long time.”
• “Where is he now?” Share what your family believes. Young children may still need to hear that his body stopped working and he won't come back. The Dougy Center's sibling tip sheet gives the example of a child who says, “I know Shaquille's in heaven, but will he come home soon?” (opens in a new tab)

The Dougy Center says repeat questions don't mean you explained it badly. They're how children make sense of what happened. Give the same simple answer again.

Phrases to avoid

The AAP lists well-meant phrases that can make it harder for children to share their feelings:

• “You'll feel better soon.” It can sound like a request to hide sadness.
• “At least …” Comparisons don't help children cope.
• “You need to be strong (or brave) now.” Children shouldn't feel they must hide feelings to protect others.
• “I know just how you feel.” Ask instead.
• “You must be angry (or sad).” Let them tell you what they feel.

If a brother or sister has died, read helping a child grieve a sibling for what comes after the first conversation, and parenting while grieving if you are grieving the same child.

What you can do today

• Write down the one or two sentences you will use, with the word “died.”
• Choose a quiet place and a time when you can stay with your child afterward.
• Tell your child clearly that it is not their fault.
• Ask, “What questions do you have?” and answer only what they ask.
• Tell your child's teacher or caregiver, so they can support the same message.
• If an older child talks about wanting to die or hurting themselves, call or text 988 now. In an emergency, call 911.